SATIRE: Short, ugly men anxious as Opendi goes after alcohol

What you need to know:

Not amused: As the most brilliant chap from Pakwach, I’m tempted to conclude that someone in Tororo is an alcoholic but works from 5pm to morning, or what they call evening shift. Because of this, the fellow drinks during the day and someone is not amused and is taking things personally.

For the record, I stand at 172cm tall so I’m not in any way writing about myself. Also, like Otafiire once said, “nkaali mboko” (I’m dope).
So the short and ugly in the headline?
One day, Tororo Woman MP Sarah Opendi had this and that with a man from her eastern district whose name I’ve conveniently decided to forget at this material time. One thing led to the other. Then the bomb: “I don’t date short, ugly men.”

Opendi has lately become a very active legislator. The other day the MP tried to stop Nyege Nyege and now she is out to gag wallets and throats in the name of regulating alcohol as if she doesn’t know that just recently we had a whole regional president called Pombe (bless his soul).
Opendi, reports say, wants alcohol sales and consumption limited to just eight hours a day, from 5pm to 1am. As you read this, she is busy stressing her hair follicles with the Alcohol Control Bill, 2022.

As the most brilliant chap from Pakwach, I’m tempted to conclude that someone in Tororo is an alcoholic but works from 5pm to morning, or what they call evening shift. Because of this, the fellow drinks during the day and someone is not amused and is taking things personally.

Woe unto those who drink but work evening shifts as they cannot buy or drink in the morning, lest Opendi deploys mean-looking soldiers to gag their wallets and throats.
However, a friend whose fingers are slightly longer than those of Donald Trump is very anxious. This fellow is short although he looks fine in the eyes of the beer-holder. He is afraid Opendi is after his vertically challenged fraternity.
“She has just chosen to skirt around her intention for the time being but I can see what she is after,” the fellow said. 
He was serious.

I couldn’t blame him. Despite its enormous socio-economic potential, Opendi wanted Nyege Nyege banned. And now we know that alcohol pays a lot of taxes. For a country with more than half the population loitering about in suits with mental illnesses – according to that official stat we had a while back – you can see that we need more pombe than MPs in this country.
For obvious reasons, booze helps the economy while MPs deplete whatever is left of it. This is why the so-called Alcohol Control Bill is going to fail faster than glucose takes to dissolve in water.
What we would all support is a Bill that calls for all MPs to wear colonial wigs. I’m tired of seeing a wigged Speaker or Deputy Speaker blast the European Parliament over neocolonialism when more than 400 MPs can join in and share this burden.

With the Colonial Wig Bill, 2022, Opendi would be an instant icon. Then she can follow up with a motion to summon the British High Commissioner to Uganda to explain the treatment of African leaders during the Queen’s funeral on Monday. A while being  bused around is not a bad thing, the Ugandan taxpayer who funded minister Jeje Odongo to Westminster deserves to know why not a single African was allowed to speak at the funeral.

If Joe Biden decided not to speak, it was only because he is a frail old man. He was already tired on arrival. But our African leaders never tire. They would have roused the ancestors to receive Queen Elizabeth in glory with a lengthy speech punctuated with the blaming of the Besigyes of African politics.
By going after Nyege Nyege and alcohol when there are pertinent issues regarding the dignity and place of African leaders, Opendi is like a man using chopsticks to eat his porridge. 
We need substance, Opendi.

This is a parody column

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