South African looter returns home with plasma TV, told it’s a coffin

A South African man was last week left confused when he arrived home from a looting escapade carrying what he believed was a 65 inch plasma TV, only to see his wives slap their breasts in grief and letting out shrill cries.

Siphiwe Nomvete’s wives Shonda and Lindiwe threw themselves to the ground and cursed the devil that had confused their son to join the looting escapade disguised as #FreeZuma protests.

“I pleaded with him not to go but now look what he has returned in,” Shonda mourned.
The neighbours joined in wailing, with some mistaking the sweat dripping from Nomvete’s temple for tears. At first, the 43-year-old man, from Naledi in Soweto Township, feared for the worst that maybe one of his sons had been shot dead while looting.

It was only after Lindiwe threw her weight on the plasma TV he had placed down in shock at the mourning in his compound that he realised something was amiss.

“Unkosikazi wami [my wife], who has died? What happened?” he asked.
It was Shonda who responded.

“What do you mean who has died? Aren’t you the one who has brought this coffin?” she asked.
“What coffin? This is the biggest plasma TV you can find in Jo’burg now,” he said, jabbing his index finger at what he believed was a plasma TV set.

“Useless women! Nginike amanzi okuphuza (give me drinking water.)”
All the “mourners” eyes turned on Nomvete now. They started wondering if he was okay. One of the elders approached him and placed a reassuring hand over his shoulders and spoke slowly.

Pointing at the coffin, he asked if the “thing” on the ground was the plasma TV. Nomvete nodded as he took a proper look now. The realisation left him looking stupid. He winced.
“How can this be a TV?” the elder asked loudly now.

Nomvete held his hands in his face for a long time. But the laughter from the neighbours was not ending. Every time he thought it was done, someone would remark something to send the “mourners” into delirium afresh.

Shaking his head repeatedly, he offered to explain. He said they had broken into a retail store with many TVs and he saw one with the words 65” and smart TV on it but he couldn’t carry it.

“You see, it was mounted on the wall and it was actually on, playing this karate sport,” he said. “I tried to pluck it but it was hard. Everyone else was picking a box here and there and running out.”

Nomvete said as he struggled to pluck the TV from the wall mounting, his friend Siyabonga shouted that he should pick the one in the box.
“This thing,” he said, pointing at his plasma TV turned coffin, “was right below that TV on the wall and I just believed it was a box for a similar one.”

Nomvete said once outside the store, he did not stop running for fear of being caught or something.
“I kept going. All around me people were carrying this or that, those with cars were even carrying the shelves along with the items. I only stopped when I got here… it was heavy; my shoulders hurt. Now what do we do with this?” he said.

“Take it back,” one of the ‘mourners’ said.
“No, keep it. We won’t afford one like that when you expire,” another said.

Nomvete gulped the water brought by Lindiwe, his Adam’s apple moving up and doing as if it was looting the water from his mouth. When he was done, he let out a deep sigh and said he would sell the coffin and buy a real telly set.