Dear Secretary Blinken,
I write on behalf of myself and other government officials your good-for-nothing nation slapped some irrelevant sanctions on last week. I write to laugh at you. I write to lecture you. And I write to remind you that we don’t care.
Secretary Blinken, you must have been blinking furiously when you wrote the sanctions. A blink-counting machine in Washington recorded that you had shut and opened your eyelids involuntarily 11,780 times in just two seconds.
Why the Guinness World Records have not yet recorded your fast-blinking record, is still a mystery but I’ve a gut feeling it has something to do with former president Donald Trump. And no, I don’t intend to claim that Trump asked Georgia secretary of state Brad Raffensperger for 11,780 blinks -- he asked for votes.
Secretary Blinken, you wrote to me and my Ugandan comrades in government that “there are consequences for interfering in the democratic process. Starting today, we are imposing visa restrictions on those involved in undermining democracy in Uganda.”
That’s probably the loudest fart in the wind and the Guinness guys can prove me right there. Where were you when Trump was asking for 11,780 votes to win Georgia by one?
Where were you when Trump and his allies incited rioters to attack the Capitol Hill?
They killed innocent policemen but where is Trump and his allies? He is playing golf. Yet you have the audacity to lecture us on democracy, what joke is that?
Secretary Blinken, I don’t know if you remember but your ancestors must have been blinking in the 1600s when British colonialists marched on Jamestown, Virginia, with blunt swords and conquered America.
It would take the same British almost 300 years to just establish a Protectorate over Uganda. Here, we had statesmen like Omukama Kabalega who gave the British a bloody nose.
The fact that the British conquered you so easily and centuries before they succeeded with us means you were weaker [than us].
Secretary Blinken, we Ugandan officials don’t give a pig’s tail what sanctions you slap around. Ask Mark Zuckerberg right in California over there. He dared take a few accounts of Ugandans off Facebook and we retaliated by blocking the whole thing here.
As you read this, Secretary Blinken, we are already doing without Facebook and have shown that we can live without Sweeter, Internal Gram and Your Tuber. If you asked me what those things are, I really wouldn’t give a mosquito’s notice.
But I do have to remind you that when me and my colleagues visit America, we do not come there to enjoy the sun. There is no better sun than this one in Africa. We don’t come to America to pick our nostrils but to help your economy by spending the money we’ve no use for here since we get it by pocketing the excesses from public coffers.
We eat fancy meals and see places, we spend on medical bills in your hospitals, and help your Wall Street a great deal. Yet here you are, Secretary Blinken, blinking in your sanctions as if you think we take “greener pastures” literally. We aren’t goats, Blinken.
Secretary Blinken, even if you slap us with 11,780 sanctions, it will be like watering a flower in the rain. The only thing that would hurt us is if you interfered and changed our government. Until then, you can eat your sanctions.