Sunday humour: Man, tell your wife Melinda isn’t tipping her to open or close any Gates

Sunday May 09 2021
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By Jacobs Odongo Seaman

This week confirmed many things. But first, forget the one thing that money alone cannot make the other gender age with you. Instead, look here, the richest man in the world (on average of the last 20 years) has been sleeping outside his own Gate for some good months, if not a year-plus.

Melinda Ann closed her Gates of 27 years, saying the fellow who has been accessing it over the last 27 years is just a software who is no better than a trespasser. She might have even upped the accusation to say the software-mad hubby has no inkling of the fact that hardwares makes more sense when Windows are closed and the Operating System has to go into Sleep Mode in the only place where nothing but Excel-lence is acceptable.

As a divorce historian, I can tell with more certainty than Museveni’s age that poor William Henry Gates III has been denied his sacred rights for a while now leading to that announcement.

Yes, by the time a couple decides on a divorce, they should have been estranged for a while and during estrangement, Gates are closed, Windows are shut and the Operating System stops running, forcing the PowerPoint to lose its effectiveness.

Of course, the exception can be there, like this Kanye West and the glamour wife he brought along.

However, for some reasons, the descendants of Eve on Zuckerberg Street are now saying if Melinda can do it to a man who has more money than Alex Mukulu’s nostril has aversion for body odour, then what about a mere Magogo who is a vendor or Zizinga, the boda man?

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Well, the thing is that Melinda’s Gates has seen more satiated opulence pass through it than the Atlantic Ocean can boast of its water. What of you Nantongo from Masaka? Or Lakot from Gulu? Or Ajidiru from Koboko? What have you seen?

You’ve seen mean messages from loan sharks threatening to dispose of the TV or fridge if the full amounts owed are not settled. 

The irony is that it is the Ajidirus of this world who live on a diet called jealousy and will stress their already stressed and broke hubby with queries of why he liked Nassuna’s photo on Facebook.

Seriously, I look at Bill and his now shut Gates and then I turn the Facebook page only to see Adikini being jealous because Masaba joked about Lynda Ddane’s diastema. What are they jealous for? Masaba’s debts with loan sharks?

The only alimony a Chemutai can get if she decides to slam her Gates shut in Okumu’s face is the memory. If a full Bush War General could plead before a judge that he is too broke to provide child support when dragged in, now imagine a Muhumuza who has to sell Irish potatoes to raise fees for the nursery-going child you had with him.

Divorce talk should be left to the Melindas, MacKenzies and Kardashians. It’s these women who have the right to be jealous, too, because their men have everything a Bagonza in Wakiso dreams of when dealing with constipation in a public toilet.

However, if you are the kind who can cry of regime persecution and flee to Kenya only to return to claim you were on holiday and yet still think jealousy is your inherent right as a wife, then go ahead and inherit his debt burden too.

You can only think like Melinda Ann or MacKenzie Scott if you have Gates or Bezos otherwise you will just be going from Marcus Lwanga who calls himself God’s Plan to Anthony Dabanthy. And you know what? Ugandans will turn to Google with questions like, “Who is Sheilah Gashumba’s new boyfriend?”

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