Uganda to ‘import’ Elon Musk
What you need to know:
- Elon Musk is universally disliked because he is everybody’s X. The man they call “His Xcellency” dresses like Zelenskyy but be[1]haves like Mbidde.
They say money talks, loudly. Especially when your bank account screams at you, “You’re broke!”
That happens a lot these days. Things have jammed, properly. While money can be saved, the economy cannot. It’s going to keep sinking as it attempts to navigate the titanic icebergs of Uganda’s magendo-compliant economic policies.
Still, there is some hope. We can rise above the morass of this economic downturn, if the government follows our advice to the letter. Oh yes, no letter must go missing in the name of austerity. Every letter must tell. Every word must sing. Not about how broke we are, for we have sung that enough.
There must be a different tune. One that promotes cassava over bread, kikomando over every other commando dressed in dollar-green costs. So here are some policies that the government can employ to improve the economy. Well, sort of.
One, the government must impose tariffs on English Premier League football. The premiership makes more than $1.6 billion annually. So if Uganda can get a piece of this pie, who really needs the national cake? The politicians are free to eat it all.
Our goal is to score some premiership dimes. However, we understand that there are several stumbling blocks in collecting our cash from the likes of Haaland.
Thankfully, though, Haaland is too much of a blonde to know what to do with his money. So we shall relieve him of it by getting him transferred to the StarTimes Uganda Premier League.
If he gets paid in Shillings, his salary can quickly be converted to Kafunda-induced happiness. As indirect taxes are being paid through the booze Haaland buys, the national treasury will add some Pep to its step.
Two, we must recognise that Elon Musk is universally disliked because he is everybody’s X. The man they call “His Xcellency” dresses like Zelenskyy but behaves like Mbidde seated in front of a thesaurus. He is too excited.
His egomaniacal ways are of little interest, however. In fact, the interest rates are falling fast when it comes to rating our interest in him. So we advise the government to import Musk. Place him in front of the Bank of Uganda (BoU) and then watch the interest rates fall to zero. Then we can all have access to easy loans that we do not have to pay back. Since our interest in paying back such loans would have been quashed by the very presence of Musk outside BoU. This will sex-up disposable incomes with an orgy of financial malpractice.
Three, corruption must be legalised and then taxed. This tax can be in the form of Sales Tax. That’s because whoever is corrupt has sold us out and so must be taxed accordingly. We don’t need a lifestyle audit nor do we need an IGP. What we need is more corruption to attract more taxes.
These taxes can then be ploughed back into the economy by the government in the shape of more anti-corruption agencies. Yes, the more agencies to regulate corruption; the merrier. That’s because more jobs will be available to those who will eventually use their jobs to be corrupt. This will lead to even more tax revenues. Pretty soon, incomes will be stabilised when outcomes are destabilised.
Subsidies! These subsidies should be extended to everyone who misuses the words “well done”. You see, there is a sizeable constituency of Ugandans who say “well done” when they are greeting you.
I don’t know who started this or how it began or where it came from. It is just a mannerism that appeared from nowhere. But it is here to stay. So it must be encouraged. Because with the well-done brigade, no matter how badly Ugandans are doing, there is always somebody there to congratulate them for it.
This shows that there are people out there who think we are winners from the moment they greet us. It’s so inspirational. These people must be given cash inducements to go on murdering the English language.
In fact, it’s not even murdering the language. If you kill one word; you’re a murderer. Kill several words in a row, you’re a Slay Queen. And the economy needs slayers, Kasaija recently confirmed.
Disclaimer: This is a parody column
