Why KB is the next James Bond

The Fire Baby was added because the group needed somebody with fire to light the fuse to its dynamite. When the Fire Baby’s slap lands on your face, it produces friction and heat, and eventually an ember. It’s hot. She once slapped somebody so hard that he became a UFO. Elon Musk’s SpaceX is currently searching for that aerodynamic ex-lover.

Zakayo, previously Uganda's oldest chimpanzee in captivity, left the group when he died from stomach complications in 2021. The chimp was believed to know the A-Zakayo of democracy. So he was there to make sure that KB handed over admin rights after a term of four years (in NRM years, that’s 39 years). 

How did Zakayo achieve this feat? Well, in ancient Rome, when a Roman general triumphed on the battlefield, he victoriously marched through the streets of Rome. An Auriga (a slave) was duly appointed to walk surreptitiously behind him and every so often whisper in his ear, “Memento Homo” which means: “Remember, you are only a man”.

Playing KB’s role

Zakayo played this role for KB. The gibber and jabber of the chimp was intelligible to KB because he spent enough time in the bush to learn how to talk to gorillas. Excuse me, I meant guerrillas.

Anyway, KB’s wife, known as a verbal Kung Fu fighter, is said to have WhatsApped KB several times on last month’s Valentine’s Day, according to what’s in KB’s phone.

So far, according to the Chieftaincy of Military Intelligence’s handwriting experts, the texts between KB and his wife are not of the kiss-and-tell variety. They are of the kiss-and-teleport variety. As KB tells his wife how he was transported across space and distance instantly, from Nairobi to Kampala.

According to intelligence reports, KB’s phone reveals that KB had blocked the CDF’s number and unfollowed him on X (formerly Twitter) when the CDF offered American musician Beyoncé the chance to cheat on her hubby, rapper Jay-Z. The songstress reportedly declined, so the CDF sang the Destiny’s Child song “No, No, No” (feat. Wyclef Jean). It goes: “You'll be sayin' no, no, no, no, no/When it's really yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.”

Beyoncé is still part of Destiny’s Child. KB felt such “KB” was beneath him, and so he banished the CDF from his socials. This incensed the army boss. That is why he offered KB a chance to hang out on Heroes' Day. 

"We will hang [out with] KB on Heroes’ Day,” he tweeted. To which Children and Youth Affairs minister commented that any drink-up between the two would be heroic, especially on the CDF’s side.

Again, it has been revealed that there is a 007 in the CDF’s phone number. He used to drive a pickup, H4DF 007, so his phone number jibes with this registration plate number. Yet KB seems to be the James Bond in this situation.

Why? You see, that WhatsApp group he allegedly helms as admin (which is populated by men whose identity cards could double as wanted posters) is called “live and let die”. That is also the name of the eighth film in the James Bond series. And KB decided never to die in his own movie. So he blamed the Uganda Media Centre for any clandestinity in his life.

As we know, James Bond's designation is 007, meaning that he is an agent in the “00” branch of MI6. So the Media Centre boss now has to explain how KB became his agent, in the UK! Mzee has also told “00” to stop trying to be 007 by placing the president’s surname after “00”.

Disclaimer: This is a parody column