Why Public Service should sell a cockroach at Shs5 million

There was a time the chiefs in the region were all K-Factors. Kaguta, Kagame, Kikwete, Kenyatta, Kabila and Kiir. But that has since been washed out with the retirement of Kikwete and Kabila.

The former Tanzanian leader is said to recite his rosary in Kigoma, while the ‘Congolean’ retired to Kinshasa where he spends time combing his mane of beard.

This has left only Kaguta holding forte in Kampala, Kagame believing that Kigali has 93 per cent freedom of the press, Kenyatta growing ‘healthier’ than Migingo, and Kiir enjoying his drink in Kuajok regularly.

And now another pattern has emerged with the initial M prominently shouting for attention. The M is followed by U. Yes, Mu-seveni is one but just a fraction of the real game. When you put Mu-hanga and then now Mu-senero, you begin to see the picture.

Did we say emerged? No, it’s actually reinvented. A decade-plus ago, Mu-Mu was a celebrated striking duo of [Hassan] Mubiru and [Andrew] Mukasa. The two didn’t sell balls at outrageous fees but scored goals that endeared them to people. But now we are here in the political Mu-Mu.

The other day, the Mu-senero revealed that she had used public monies to buy a mouse at Shs8m. Like one rat for that much. Naturally, many Ugandans pretended to be shocked as if this was something strange to begin with.

If you can sell goats and raise Shs10b for purchase of UBC land, what’s wrong with buying a mouse at a measly Shs8m? Mu-tebile, another M-plus-U, will be laughing at your pretentious anger considering that the other day, he bought a pen at Shs350,000.

We wanted to ask some of the ministers if such a pen secreted cancer resistant cells instead of basic ink, but the only one who was willing to discuss the matter on record was Mu-limba. I swear I am not making this up. Mu-limba is a legit name and a minister at that. 

There is another Mu-minister who should be inspired by this ‘Mu-mu’ spendthrifts and related claims. She is called Mu-gasa. Needless to say, Mu-gasa is also a Mu-seveni appointee. Her docket? Public Service.

The other day this other geezer was in the news for doctoring his age to fit within the requirement for a job at the airport. And like that chap, there are many people who go about dying their hair and eating fish scales to reduce creases of wrinkles on their face.

However, scientists have confirmed that the thorax of a cockroach as anti-aging properties and for the public service, there can’t better news. But the few fellows in the country who do cockroach farming sell the insects to poultry farmers.

Public service needs special cockroaches whose thorax can go for Shs7b each and if the seller can include the thorax and placenta of the cockroach, that would make the concoction stronger.

Other ministries should also be encouraged to research on the special animal species they might need to purchase for posterity. We cannot let Mu-senero carry the day on her afro all by herself. Like the Transport ministry can spend Shs200b in buying freshly extracted dinosaur teeth – if we can have bomb-detecting cameras, then the dinosaur teeth should be there too.

The precious teeth would be used to stop the prices of consumer goods from skyrocketing. The other day the dairy man said a cup is now Shs1,000.