Woman threatens to dump child at Ugandan embassy in Kigali

The child in question is alleged to have been sired by a Ugandan Casanova while on a tour of duty in Rwanda. Janus is married to a pastor, although he shows face in the church to make appearances and “support my dear wife’s business.”

There was this time we took a tour of duty in Kigali. My friend Janus called it an “excursion” with deep emphasis -- a journey taken for pleasure, he would remind every time he said the word.

He would often brag that he had not travelled 500km down southwestern to test the cold weather there while making some money, but that he was more into Kigali for an escapade, which he pervertedly pronounced as ‘sexcapade.’
I don’t know how many times I cringed at his choices of words or rather how he twisted everything to suit his mind that seemed to operate from his loin.

“Greener pasture… whoever invented the phrase must have done so while dressing up from a Nyamirambo brothel,” he once enthused over a pint of beer. “Grazing here, man, I like. Free range grazing and the ‘pastures’ are always lush green.”
I warned the then expatriate accountant that women were like beer that becomes sweeter the more bottles you emptied, but Janus wouldn’t listen.

“Kigali is wet and cold and you know I don’t smoke so how else should I warm myself?” he retorted before declaring himself a proud MBA graduate.

MBA has nothing to do with Master of Business Administration, rather it is ‘Married But Available.’
Anyway, of the many things in man’s life, it is only his own shadow that he cannot control. If it is short, you cannot make it longer. You can’t even make it face another direction.

So Janus left Kigali in 2019 but had forgotten about his shadow until the calls started coming in with threats. From Luweero where he lives, his shadow stretched all the way to Kigali, lurking like some evil past he could not extricate himself from.

“Man, you remember Murekatete?” he asked me last week. “She claims she gave birth to my child and does not only want child support but that I must go back and resolve some issues with her family.”

“I warned you that it was too reckless to go around testing the depth of your so-called ‘wetlands’ with both feet because it could be a river blocked by water hyacinth,” I said.
“It’s not the time to rub salt into the wound. Tell me something I can do about this.”

“Send child support money and that should suffice.”
“Man, she has threatened to dump the child at the embassy if I don’t go there and you know that would be publicised and my wife will kill me.”
Janus says he had excused himself that the borders were closed but that Murekatete had her fingers on things and had immediately reminded him that he always claimed back then that he only travelled by air.

The embassy threats were invoked after Janus attempted to deny siring the child.
As a last resort, he asked me to post a false RIP message on his Facebook timeline. He would then get about 15 other friends to say ‘rest in power’ and such things so that Murekatete would read and chill him.

Of course, I cringed at this idea. I mean, even Enanga wouldn’t go that far. I thought Tumwine’s idea that we can do away with internet was the weirdest stuff and now there is this Janus fake RIP thing. I asked how he would explain the obituary posts to his family and relatives.

“I’m now studying the real MBA so I can claim it was part of my research and when I use words like thesis, acculturation, data mining and growth hacking, most of my folks are illiterate and will not ask any more questions,” he said.