Uganda’s ‘mafia’ should start a reality television show

That Uganda is a funny country cannot be disputed. Take Amin. How could a serious country be ruled by Field Marshal Idi Amin?
The world’s leaders are gathered at some high function. Perhaps in alphabetical order, the master-of-ceremonies comes to Uganda… “Idi Amin!”
And after eight years of Milton Obote and eight years of Amin, only a weird country could return Obote as President.
But before that happened, there was a curtain-raiser directed by Military Commission chairman Paulo Muwanga, whose No.2 was Yoweri Museveni. The two men agreed to hold a general election, but Muwanga wanted the election rigged in favour of Obote-led UPC.
Although Museveni’s UPM was also contesting, it had no chance of winning. DP was the other big contender, but Museveni had issues with the party’s pacifism. Moreover, with a DP victory, it would be Paul Ssemogerere rising to power, not Museveni. And Museveni wanted power; the whole thing; not bits and pieces as DP’s ‘friend’. So, Ssemogerere’s DP contested as the favourite, but was vulnerable.
Museveni and Muwanga dared each other’s guts, with Museveni openly vowing to go to the bush if Muwanga rigged the election, and Muwanga vowing to crush any rebellion.
If you have a problem listing the promises Mr Museveni has kept during his political life, going to the bush in 1981 is one promise he kept.
After the Bush War, on the specific matter of keeping Uganda a funny country, Museveni has also not disappointed. Just look.
Only a weird country could stage a constitutional drama as long as Uganda’s and end up paying more than 500 MPs whose main brief is to endorse the desires of a dictatorship, with a military invasion of Parliament sometimes thrown in to force a point.
Only a weird country could launch so many drives for poverty reduction, poverty eradication and wealth creation but end up with such widespread poverty.
Uganda’s most pronounced feature today is corruption. Any and everything will bring in bribes or be stolen. Roads and other government contracts, jobs, land, medicine, education cash, Covid-19 donations, votes; name it. The expression, “The NRM is a government of thieves”, no longer alarms the ruling elite. Fighting corruption has become the art of normalising corruption and mystifying the thieves.
Being a funny country, Ugandans for more than 20 years cheerfully followed the circus around the theme of “exposing and shaming the thieves”. It was the period of whistle-blowers, startling newspaper headlines and glamorous commissions of inquiry. Ministers, generals and other criminals were named. Many testified. Very few were punished. Most got recycled, even promoted.
As a funny country, Ugandans are now following two contradictory themes: that “President Museveni is finally destroying the scourge of corruption”, and “The thieves are too smart, too powerful and too close to the President to be defeated”.
Like God battling His Lucifer to eternity, Museveni will battle his mafia forever.
But taxpayers could surely get a bigger deal than the extracts from the mafia conversations that sometimes feature in radio and television talk-shows.
Thank you Tamale Mirundi’s ‘MISO’ for the extracts, and a mysterious surveillance tool called ‘satelayiti’. The ball is now in Museveni’s court. He is up against the gangsters. The gang itself, the ‘fellowship’, is almost indestructible. This is the stuff from which a gripping reality television show could be made. Instead of throwing money at failed showbiz figures, Museveni could sponsor The Fellowship.
Our people will stop watching biNigeria and those silly soaps and literally watch their own gangsters plotting to get very rich.

Mr Tacca is a novelist, socio-political commentator.
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