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What if the Papal Conclave was a Ugandan political affair?
Writer: Nicholas Sengoba. PHOTO/FILE
What you need to know:
- "The camerlengo became a permanent fixture in the Church; winning conclave after conclave. ”
The Catholic faith has a new leader. Pope Leo XIV replaces Pope Francis who went to be with the Lord on the 21st day of April. Over the last many days, we have been inundated with the rich history and workings of the Catholic Church.
We know that when a Pope dies or abdicates, as was the case with Pope Benedict XVI, there is an interim leader called the Camerlengo who oversees the administration of the Holy See during the papal vacancy. He is also instrumental in the process of organising to fill the vacancy in the Papal Conclave that sits in the Sistine Chapel of the Apostolic Palace in Vatican City.
Here, all Cardinals below the age of 80, worldwide, converge and elect the Pope. He may also be elected if the Cardinals so decide. Like it sometimes happens when you consume a lot of news on a particular subject, your mind gets so saturated that you may end up dreaming of the same. And so, it happened to a pious lady and fervent political fanatic in the neighbourhood. She dreamt that the Vatican had decided to consult Uganda on voting for the next pope. It was based on the fact that the country is the famed home of the Uganda Martyrs, and it also has a successful revolutionary history.
These things are instrumental to the Church as it elects a new Pope and carries out a raft of reforms. The ones intended to align the Church with new realities plus challenges of artificial intelligence, environmental degradation, climate change, fascism, increased dictatorial tendencies, war, migration, increased inequality, disease, poverty, and the debt crisis in the developing world. After a series of rigorous meetings, many by zoom, emails, WhatsApp group messages, X space engagements, and roving ambassadorial consultations, it was decided that the Papal Conclave would follow the rich Ugandan political culture of the last few decades. The camerlengo announced that the Church needed a fundamental change, not just a mere change of guards where one Pope just replaced another and ‘so on and so forth’. While urging for patience and tolerance, camerlengo announced that the cardinals had placed a huge load on his shoulders. He would reluctantly and against his wishes remain in office for four years to sacrifice for the Church while carrying out a raft of reforms. He asked people not to address him as His Holiness the pope, for he disliked titles.
‘Pastor of the faith’ would do. He would also ride a bicycle to avoid opulence and identify with the poor, like our Lord Jesus Christ. Oh, how time flies. Soon, the four years ended, and there was an extension to write a new constitution. Carmalengo remained in office because of the immense pressure from the cardinals who saw him as the only one with a vision to move the Church forward. He also dropped the bicycle and upgraded to an electric motorcycle – sustainable energy. The great constitution was out before long.
It stopped 75-year-old cardinals from voting for the Pope and would only be in office for 10 years. Camerlengo won, and globally, the faithful rejoiced. He started operationalising the reforms with gusto. The church needed new modern blood, to carry forward. New leaders were recruited using a fast-tracking method. Some became cardinals almost overnight. People christened them cadre cardinals. Each of them was given a helicopter to help them with their pastoral work of spreading the gospel. Soon, many were converted from other faiths. Sheikhs simply met the camerlengo and joined the Church. Their fortunes were never the same.
The purple and red cassocks were replaced with a bright yellow cassock. It symbolised light and hope in a world of darkness and despair. One very talented spiritual son moved up so fast that he took on the de facto title of ‘Pope in Waiting.’ He was known for taking time off over the weekend to prepare inspiring summons. It was said that he justified the Latin saying that in vino veritas (under the influence of wine, one is likely to speak their hidden thought and desires). He once suggested that those opposed to Catholicism should be placed in the bowels of St. Peter's Cathedral and taught Latin by force.
It shocked the Muslim dominated, Middle Eastern community that spoke Arabic and worshipped Allah. He also suggested that the Catholic Church carry out crusades in the region of non-believers to conquer and convert them. There were many reforms, including the ingenious one that saw investors joining the Church to help build an independent, integrated, and self-sustaining economy to banish poverty, once and for all, for Jesus came to make people prosperous. Some Churches were privatised, and rich individuals came. Soon, the investors took over every money-making opportunity and ruled the roost.
There were even advanced plans to sell part of St Peter's Square and put up a grand modern mall and skyscraper. The other was about priests who were caught breaking the vows of celibacy. The camerlengo gained popularity by philosophically guiding that children come from God. Secondly, that it was okay as long as the offspring remained Catholics. It was expanding the Christian community that in future would prosper the Church with their tithes and offerings.
After 10 years, the camerlengo, with the help of cardinals, ‘caved in’ to public pressure and changed the constitution, lifting the term and age limits. The work of spreading the gospel was not time-bound or age-bound. In fact, the older evangelist was wiser. What was important was a free and fair Papal Conclave every five years. The camerlengo became a permanent fixture in the Church; winning conclave after conclave. He dropped the vestments of the camerlengo and adopted those of the Pope. He had moved from the electric motorcycle to the armoured car to three squadrons of jet fighters with advanced defensive systems.
When he travelled, the airspace would be closed for his safety. The world was not about to lose such a great wise man who to many is god on earth. Some said he communicated directly with God himself without going through Jesus. She woke, feeling fresh. In her diary, the first item was to go check on the voters’ register and see if all her details are up to date as Uganda gets ready for the General Election of 2026.
In this election, 80-year-old Gen. Yoweri Tibuhaburwa Kaguta Museveni (God bless him richly), the transformational President of Uganda since 1986, who once said that Africa’s problem is leaders who stay too long in power, will be standing for the seventh time. She smiled excitedly at the fact that he is expected to be announced winner and continue the progress agenda of the last four decades. She knelt and said a prayer, then joyfully burst out in Latin, “Habemus Papam” (we have a Pope!) Long live the Pope!”
X @nsengoba
