Am I parenting the child I have or the child I wish I had?
Simon Eboku
What you need to know:
- Other parenting scripts promote emotional suppression, like boys must be tough, girls must be agreeable, and high academic achievement is the ultimate goal for a successful adult life.
Tom, a father of two boys, was raising his sons the same way his father had raised him with an iron hand, a harsh voice, and little space for emotional expression. One day, he found himself shouting not because the boys had done anything terribly wrong, but because he could hear his father's voice echoing in his head.
That’s when it struck him that he was actually parenting, mechanically by repeating a pattern he never consciously chose. In parenting, Tom is not alone. Today, many parents should begin to examine something psychologists and parenting coaches call “the parenting script,” which is an invisible but powerful force that shapes how we raise children.
The parenting script is the set of beliefs, behaviours, and expectations parents unconsciously inherit from their own childhoods, culture, religion, and society. Whether it’s the old saying “Spare the rod, spoil the child” or beliefs like “boys don’t cry,” Many of us African parents adopt these scripts and use them without examining, and we have used them for generations to raise children we wish to have. Most parents today in Africa never consciously choose how to parent the children they have.
They just inherit a script that has been passed down through family and culture, and they do it with pride. I will give you an example: The Ministry of Education and Sports in Uganda issued guidelines banning corporal punishment in all educational institutions. According to the Education Act 2008 and related circulars, teachers and school staff are prohibited from using physical force as a form of discipline.
However, even up to date, you find some parents and teachers insisting on caning an indisciplined child, because that is the script they know. And they will openly defend their action, saying they are what they are today because their parents never spared the rod. While the script was helpful for them, today it is rooted in fear, shame, and considered to be archaic and barbaric. A thing that is not fit for the children we have today. I have also witnessed many parents still clinging to the idea that obedience is the ultimate sign of a disciplined child, saying, “A disciplined child is quiet and listens.” But that is a fallacy because sometimes quietness means fear, not respect.” Other parenting scripts promote emotional suppression, like boys must be tough, girls must be agreeable, and high academic achievement is the ultimate goal for a successful adult life.
These beliefs, though deeply embedded in our parenting culture, often overlook the emotional and psychological well-being of the child. So, how does one even know they are operating from a parenting script? Experts advise that a parent can start with self-observation. Notice your default reactions when your child errs. Do you yell when your child talks back at you? Do you shut down when they express anger? These are clues that you’re operating from an inherited parenting script. But also, journalling is another helpful tool. Writing down what triggers you, which phrases you often repeat like “You’re just like your uncle!” or “I will report you to your father,” and checking how you feel after disciplining your child can reveal hidden patterns. Remember also that no script is set in stone.
Therefore, choose to rewrite them by starting with awareness, followed by reflection, and re-educating yourself through books, attending parenting sessions, and seeking guidance from experts. Rewriting a parenting script isn’t a one-time event. It’s a journey that requires grace, patience, and humility. But the reward is immense: children will feel safe, seen, and supported, and you the parent will parent from a place of clarity, not confusion. A parenting script requires that a parent is open to embracing each child’s unique personality, letting go of rigid expectations, and fostering connection over control to help the child you have to thrive in today’s world.
The writer, Mr Simon Eboku, is an Educator, Parenting Coach and author of Parenting Thoughtfully
