When speaking to children, use words of affirmation

What you need to know:

I know it is very hard for an African parent to publicly declare such words. Others are misinterpreted to be proud when they speak nice things about their children.

I assure you it may not be your love language, but each of us will confirm that we all like to hear positive words about ourselves. No one likes negative words about them or can gladly take in every undesirable and sharp criticism.

Words of affirmation are one of the five types of love language by Gary Chapman. But this is not where I am heading. I am just telling us that yes, good affirmative and encouraging words bless each one of us in different ways. They may come as an appreciation, praise, encouragement, counsel, confirmation, and comfort, among others. You may receive such words depending on the situation at hand. Any time a nice word falls into your ears, there is a good heartbeat and you feel happy and excited.

God did not hide how he was well pleased with His son Jesus Christ, “You are My beloved Son, in You, I am well-pleased and delighted!” (Mark 1:11, Matthew 12:8, 17:5, Isaiah 42:1). Therefore, it is not wrong to speak very well and proudly about your child in private and public as long as there is value in your statement. The key word is “affirmation” not mere “words.”

I know it is very hard for an African parent to publicly declare such words. Others are misinterpreted to be proud when they speak nice things about their children. But if God did it about his son, how about you? Therefore, it is good to use words like “I love you”, “you make me proud, I am proud of you”, “you are very wise”, “you will make it”, “you are beautiful, handsome”, “you inspire me”, “you are lovely”, whatever words that you would like your child to feel appreciated. Such words should be genuine and from the bottom of your heart.

They should not be used anyhow and selectively on children. All children are equal but unique. They deserve similar treatment. Even when you are not comfortable with certain things they do; still positive words of affirmation can transform them into the best people you desire to see. You should never travel with your child or family and fail to introduce them when an opportunity avails itself. It builds their confidence but also challenges them to be accountable and to live up to what is talked about them.

It also puts you on a task to ensure that your child(ren) maintains the status you hold about them. It keeps both of you in checks and balances. They can nurture emotional intimacy. A child feels a sense of dignity, reduces negative thoughts and self-doubts, trigger positive feelings, it assures your child how much you love and care about him/her. They encourage hard and smart work. They help someone to evaluate their self-worth and areas of improvement. Words can be touching and can reach very far.

It is the best way to express appreciation for good deeds and address any negative behaviour or what you don’t like in your child. It is thus time to express words of affirmation without fear or favour. Don’t feel embarrassed or afraid to express yourself. Where it feels hard to express them loudly, feel free to write them down. Never miss showing your gratitude to your loved one.

I would like to remind you that your mouth is full of life and death. Your words can build others up, or they can tear them down (Proverbs 18:21). Never focus on using never words that completely shutter the entire self-esteem of your child. Avoid harsh words to your children. They don’t add any value to him/her. No need for negative comments or abusive words. Delight in only constructive words. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh (Matthew 12:34). What you utter out determines what you feed your soul and thoughts.

You are the fountain of happiness to yourself and your family with what you build in them.

Dickson Tumuramye, Child advocate, parenting coach, marriage counsellor and founder Men of Purpose mentorship programme