After getting a high-paying job, he has changed

I have been living with my boyfriend Peter for two years and together, we have a son. When Peter was not earning much, we were peaceful and our relationship was smooth. However, ever since he got a high-paying job, his behaviour has changed. He comes back home late, drank, and any simple misunderstanding, he gets rude and wants to fight. He no longer cares for our son. When he is home, he is always on WhatsApp, Facebook or texting with friends whom he says are more important. I am worried Peter no longer loves me. Is this the time to call it quits or should I be hopeful that he will change?

Joy

Dear Joy,

This must be a tough situation for you. The fears you have about Peter’s behaviour are completely understandable. A behaviour change is overt and it is one way of noticing changes in an individual. It is usually during very hard times and very good times that one’s character will be noticed. The behaviour that your husband has displayed could mean a lot is going on that we cannot see.

Possible reasons for this change could mean a failure to adjust well to a new pay raise, which means he has been taken up by excitement. Maybe now, he can indulge in new habits he was not able to afford before. However, this should not come at the expense of your relationship and family.

 Have a calm conversation with Peter and let him know how his behaviour is affecting you and your son. Maybe there are work pressures he has not shared with you yet. Listen to his perspective in a non-judgmental way and get to learn the drivers of his drastic change. Speaking about this while he is sober might give you a better picture of why he is behaving this way.

 Seek professional counselling together as a couple to navigate this issue as a team. Professional help can give you a safe space to speak about any other underlying issues. Amidst all this, take good care of yourself. Join a support group that has people with partners with demanding jobs and share your concerns with them. This enables you to learn how to cope during such situations.

 There could be work pressures or anxieties he has not shared. High-paying jobs come with their demands and your husband could be struggling to adjust to them. Has he expressed remorsefulness about his behaviour? Some of the steps to show change could include spending more time with the family and cutting down on his drinking too.

Remember you deserve to be loved and also be in a good relationship.

Consider all the above and make an informed decision.

READER ADVICE

He could have a reason

Jeffrey-Jo Adetola: Remember what you did or said to him while he was still jobless. It might be payback time for you. In most cases, when a man loses his job, his woman will show him a bad attitude and tell the whole world how useless he is. There is always a reason behind every action someone takes.

He is not your class

Fred Ruhweza: The truth is, whenever there is a change in income, social life changes and so do the demands. Friends change and the people who hang around one. Money opens one’s life and you start realising other avenues and so you start meeting people in those avenues. Money is a force that rules almost every situation. He is no longer in the class you found him. You only need to raise the class you are in to match his or find a new partner of your standard.

Let him go

Hadija Najumba: Just ignore him and move on. Let him enjoy his life knowing that jobs in Uganda never last unless if one works for the government. He will come back when he is broke and you will take him back.

Take it all to God

Fiona Busingye: Those are the poor men. When he is poor and earning less, he needs you but when he starts earning more, they start behaving in a weird manner. My dear, just pray to God so he comes back talking calmly and do not stress yourself.

Learn what love is

Maama Wa Culture: Young woman, being with him when he was poor and having his son does not mean both of you are in love. Love is something that grows fonder when you embrace it; learn the true meaning of love then you will smile again.

Does he take care of you?

Dorinie Ayesige: Ignore his behaviour if he still takes care of you and your child. Did you know you can move on even when you are with your unpleasant partner? If he buys the necessities, just be cool and dumb about his behaviour but that you should do after you talk to him.

Suggest investing

Earnest Mwamba: He has just got a high-paying job and is excited and possibly wants to show off. Try to be more serious now; ask him what plans he has, suggest to him buying a plot of land, building a house, a good car, and taking the child to a good school, among others.

It will get better

Martynez Mugonyi: The root of all evil is money I am sure you have heard that before. It is difficult now but will get better. Thank God for Peter and ask God for whatever you want to see in your relationship. He can grant you your wish. Let go and let God take control.

Is it pay back?

Mystic Khalifah: You must have treated him like crap when he was jobless. You must have acted like you were helping him by loving him. So, he is now well off and paying you back in kind.

Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation