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Satire: UK to slap sanctions on pork joint owners 

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Things are getting hot. So hot that if Uganda were a frying pan, we would already be in the fire.

In fact, the climate change in our politics has turned our country into a sauna served up with red-hot chili by the fiery hand of a club-hoofed member of the underworld.

Recently, as in just now, the Deputy Foreign Secretary of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland announced even more sanctions on Ugandans. 

Not those rent-a-politicians currently charged with corruption; they have aimed at a different target.

In boxing, they call it hitting below the belt. Interestingly, ‘belt’ is also a verb which means to ‘hit something hard’.

So hitting somebody below the belt could mean hitting somebody ‘below the hit’; which is like saying you punched somebody with a punch. 

But let’s get back to our beloved sanctions, shall we? 

Of course we shall. 

Sanctions have been slapped on all Ugandan owners of pork joints in Uganda. 

The Brits would have gone after non-Ugandan pork joint owners if there were any. But they found that the only “Juan” of this kind was Spanish, so they forgave him. 

It is the first time the UK government has used the Global Anti-Corruption Sanctions regime on pork joint owners in Uganda.

It turns out that the leaders in UK read Animal Farm in 2021 and found that the characters that caused a fat load of trouble in that book were pigs.

Also, they were shocked to learn, the pigs represent key members of the former Soviet Union’s leadership: Napoleon represents Joseph Stalin, Snowball represents Leon Trotsky, and Squealer represents Vyacheslav Molotov. 

However, this representation can be enlarged to embrace all the pigheadedly bad leaders in the world. 

What’s more, Stalin and Co. were Bolsheviks. And Bolsheviks means the ‘majority’. So, by extension, the majority of leaders in the world are bad. 

Anyway, in cahoots with Uganda’s Anti-Corruption Court, the UK is ensuring pork joint owners are subjected to travel bans and asset freezes. 

This is simply because they are feeding a country with pork and we are what we eat.

Since, as Mzee told us in 1986 during his fundamental stagnation speech, “this is because we [the leaders] are part and parcel to Ugandan society as it is.”

The Deputy Foreign Secretary of the UK said in a prepared speech:  

“The actions of these pork joint owners, in supplying this anti-good leadership meat to unwitting Ugandans, and keeping the proceeds, is corruption at its worst and has no place in society. The Ugandan courts are rightly taking action to crack down on those pork joint owners who seek to line their own pockets at their pork eaters’ expense and thereby create a steady assembly line of piggeries in which Ugandan leaders wallow. Today the UK is sending a clear message to those who think selling pork acceptable. Excessive pork consumption has consequences and you will be held responsible.” 

These measures follow previous UK sanctions under the Global Anti-Corruption sanctions regime, which has targeted individuals involved in serious pork entrepreneurship across the world. 

Since its introduction in April 2021, several weeks after leaders in Westminster read Animal Farm; the UK has introduced sanctions on 42 pork joint owning individuals and entities under this regime globally to combat bad leadership across the world. 

Pork joint owners in Kampala who we spoke to were not smiling, not even on the inside. 

“This is neo-colonial politics by those Bazungu,” said Mr Sow-and-Sow. “I have been dealing in pork and creating bad leaders in Luweero for years, I admit. That is why the district still looks like it is being bombed by Obote’s soldiers. But we are allowed to manage and mismanage our country. That is why we fought, by the way.”

In retaliation, pork joint owners are already thinking about burning down their joints in order to smoke them and get high to forget their misery.