Satire: Ugandan-pedia: Potholes explained

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What you need to know:

  • A pothole is Ugandan land resisting colonial tarmac. It is Mau Mau road. It demands freedom from the tarmac of Western culture.

Welcome to Ugypedia, the Ugandan -pedia. Today’s topic is Dodging Potholes. 

Dodging Potholes:
Mbu dodge potholes. Nah, bro, that's clickbait. You can't really dodge potholes.

Well, you can dodge one or two, but they will quickly alert the rest, who will intensify their efforts to catch you.

A transcript of their secret communications is translated here, as follows.

Pothole 1: This is Echo to Backbreaker, he’s getting away! Repeat. He’s getting away.

Pothole 2: This is Breaker to Echo, ten four. Don’t worry. We got him. Scramble alpha team. Smashhouse, Hammertime, Cave, assemble in attack formation Zulu Commando. Aaaaand go!

Your Car: Swhii swhwii karunkk. 

They are like mosquitoes. You can dodge one if you see it coming, but you can’t dodge mosquitoes, if you see them all coming. 

When you look at it from the pothole’s perspective, a pothole is precolonial Uganda. They were here first. 

A pothole is Ugandan land resisting colonial tarmac. It is Mau Mau road. It demands freedom from the tarmac of Western culture.

They fight in troops, with one positioned in the middle at the front. That’s a decoy. You dodge that and think, “Well-subarued, Allan.” Only to see that, surprise! That was a decoy. Next comes the ambush. Three more are waiting in the path. Five come from flank angles, but there are more. There's the stealth pothole which you don’t even notice because it was camouflaged and the ghost pothole which literally wasn’t there when you drove up. It spontaneously formed under your wheel exactly when you reached that spot.

Pothole myths debunked.
1.    Potholes are not dug overnight by mechanics who want more business and they are not working for Japanese spare parts manufacturers. They are fighting for the freedom of Uganda.

2.    Potholes do not harbour rats and vermin. Taxis and cop trucks with sirens harbour rats and vermin. The only thing inside a pothole is car parts.

Pothole myths confirmed.
1.    There is a pothole in Namuwongo so deep that when you pass through you lose phone reception. Once you dip in, connection to the mast is broken. Also, stop using your phone while driving. Behave.

2.    We are not alone. We are not the only potholed country in the world. If you do a google search for potholes you will find that it is a global phenomenon. I urge you to enter “Potholes in London” into your search query space. You will come back feeling very happy, knowing that even if the coloniser left, the mau mau spirit continues to haunt her.

Solutions to potholes:
There are none. But because we cannot leave this space empty, we will list your options in the face of this scourge. They are:
●    Just allow

●    Suffer locally

●    Switch to donkey transport.