How to join the Ugandan mafia

1. The mafia is not a party, it’s a lifestyle: That’s why there is a lifestyle audit instead of a party audit. But that is wasting our time, because the word “audit” means to listen.
So, you must be prepared to join a special interest group, wear battle fatigues and go to Parliament to become a “listening post”.  Do you hear me?

If so, you have completed Point Number One successfully. So we may now move to Number Two, outside of the toilet please. 

2. Entry is through initiation, not application: You can’t just “join” like you are joining Arsenal Football Club, which is for everybody who thinks being a champion means avoiding first place. Let us not be silly. You must get initiated like in, er, a cult.  
First, the new recruit is led into the presence of other members. He is presented by a member with a pie-bald head and moustache that was last trimmed when Manchester United won the premiership. 

The association is explained, including its meaningless mantras, and then you are issued a bribe you must take. 

Then Denzel Washington’s character in the movie Training Day, Alonzo Harris, will show up to say: “I’m sorry I exposed you to it, but it is. It’s ugly, but it’s necessary... Sometimes you gotta have a little dirt on you for anybody to trust you.”

3. Reinvest your loot into building the latest in a long line of empty malls: Be smart, invest in real estate. As Alonzo Harris would say again: “The s--t’s chess, it ain’t checkers”. So you gotta, wait, have I stolen Denzel Washington’s accent? Let me return to my real accent to say that you must buy properties that everyone else with loot is buying. 

So, when people look at them all, they get confused. Remember Harry S Truman, the 33rd president of the United States, once said: ‘If you can’t convince them, confuse them.’

4. Be prepared to be hated and isolated by even your Rolex guy: If you have reached this far, that means you are now “eating” and everybody who observes your property in London knows that you are “eating”. 

This can lead to a life of isolation where everybody calls you by your tribe because your name is too long to be said without a clear command of one’s Rs and Ls. 

Even your cat thinks your dogged determination to primitively accumulate wealth is crass. 

5. Forget about a normal life: You can say goodbye to taking boda bodas as your neighbour wonders how you bought the latest Benz. 

6. You must loathe the colour red, with a passion: When you see that colour, throw words like ‘ganja man’, ‘we fought’ and ‘we will crush you’ about. Just make sure you see red when you see red!

7. Always put the psycho into sycophant: How? Post on your socials: “Our Generation Leader, no matter the duration it will take, the younger and old are ready to back you, especially in our central region, once you accomplish your military services. You have overwhelming support, you’re the people’s favourite. God bless Uganda & Mzee.”

8. Use hand gestures that turn a thumbs-down, right side up: This one needs no explanation, so please move to Number 9. Which Ronaldo Da Lima last wore when he was small enough to fit inside a T-shirt.  

9. Go to church and hate Alan Tacca: Repeat after me: Who is this Tacca-said-twice-when-you-want-to-anger-him? 

Then pray that if there is an apocalyptic plot that will detonate nuclear bombs in the Middle East and Ukraine, he is the only one who explodes. 

10. Follow Stella Nyanzi on social media: Nalongo, Nalongo. You must get her angry by calling her names like “battle-axe”, it will upset her feminist sensibilities.  Then when she attacks Bobi Wine, support her and everyone will call her a spy; a German one.