I have failed to move on from my ex-lover

What you need to know:

Two months later, she wanted to get back together, but I was not interested anymore. However, it has been a year since then, and I have not been able to love anyone else. When I feel lonely, I still think about her

I dated someone for three years but she broke up with me out of the blue in the third year. I acted unfazed by it. Two months later, she wanted to get back together, but I was not interested anymore. However, it has been a year since then, and I have not been able to love anyone else. When I feel lonely, I still think about her. Recently, I asked if we could start dating again, but she said we needed to meet in person. Even though I feel as though I do not want her back, my mind keeps going back to her. I cannot seem to move on. Should I give reconciliation a try?


Dear Kennie,

This seems tough on you. Moving on after three years of dating someone can be very difficult, especially when there is no closure. When people relate intimately, bonding takes place, and ending the relationship abruptly can feel like a part of you has been deeply bruised. It is important to also note that your feelings are normal. You mentioned that you acted unfazed, which means you stayed with unprocessed emotions of pain.

 The fact that you did not mourn adequately for this loss at that time puts you in a difficult position to make a decision. You seem to have mixed emotions towards your girlfriend. Consider some of the following ideas and decide to either reconcile or move on.

 If you decide to meet your ex, have clear boundaries in your mind. What are the intentions of the meeting? Is it to just chat and get closure, or do you want to revive the relationship? Be honest with yourself and your ex about your intentions.

 Allow time for healing. It takes time to heal from a breakup. A year is not that long to heal from a significant relationship, especially one that ended abruptly. It is okay to still be thinking about your ex sometimes. Your brain is trying to support your healing by taking you back such that you put this on your agenda of things to work on.

 Reconciliation is a decision that can be considered in your case but first have open communication about what went wrong in the first place and also talk about what each of you wants from a possible future relationship. It is okay to suggest going with a friend whom you trust for emotional support.

 Find out what is causing you to be lonely. Is it because you genuinely miss your ex, or is it the general feeling of being alone that bothers you? Focusing on building a strong social circle and reconnecting with friends and family can help with loneliness.

 In case going back to this relationship is not what you are considering, moving on can be an option but, focus on self-care. Start doing things that you have an interest in such as your hobbies and activities that bring you joy.

 Seek professional counselling to help you process the breakup and develop healthy coping mechanisms. This will also enable you to make an informed decision about the relationship.


Moving on is not easy

Generous Nakie. Those are the problems genuine and loyal people face in relationships. I understand moving on is not easy, but do not go back. She will always take you for granted. Moving on is not easy when you love someone. It has been four years and I am stuck. My friends think maybe the man bewitched me, yet I just fear going through that pain again in case things do not work out.

Let go of the past

Blessed Sapana. If you are constantly thinking about the past, you may not notice new opportunities. If you are too preoccupied with past hurts and unfairness, you may miss out on your future. Instead, focus on moving forward and letting go of past mistakes. Today is a new day.

Why did you separate?

War Child. Separations are bad. They ruin lives. I have been in the same dilemma but had to revive the relationship. Work on what made you separate. Otherwise, it will repeat.

She could be the one

Simon Peter Ochieng. No man can separate two people that God has put together. She could be your future wife. Those are tests. But before going back to her, I advise you to go for a blood test first.

Let her go

Bashir Matovu. I know what it means but let her go.  Try other things that can make you forget about her. Delete her phone number, her photos, and the like. With time, you will move on and even love again.

Decide together

Dan Ssenabulya. So you do not want her back but you are always thinking about her, sounds like you are confused. Maybe you still like her but you are living in denial because she is the one who called it quits in the first place. Some people break up and then makeup. If you are both okay with dating again, go for it. However, when you meet, she should tell you why she left in the first place.

She cannot be trusted

Ernest Mwesige. At times it is hard to forget your ex but you have to move on.  When a woman ends a three-year-relationship without a serious disagreement and then tries to reconcile after two months means there are many unanswered questions. Her actions are suspicious and I think it is better to let her go. With time, you will find love once again.

Give her another chance

Diana Amutosi. Give her another chance. No relationship is smooth. Along the way, you have to face roadblocks before reaching your destination. I wish you the best of luck as you change your mindset.

Move on

Nipra Mubiru Owemamba. I was in the same situation until I welcomed her back after eight years. But in just seven days, she broke my heart again and todate, I regret my decision. I have even failed to fall in love again with that person who will help me heal. Do not go back to her.

Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation