Things UG’s middle class pretends to understand

Uganda’s middle class (not that it exists) pretends to understand certain things. If you look closely, those who have walked through law school share similar traits. The ability to run with one thing and impose it on every life scenario. To a lawyer, everything is a nail and only the hammer solves all. Since I plan to live long, I have decided to keep far away from lawyers and their bi-conversations. But let us save the space in this column for less useless things – Uganda’s middle class.

You see, it does not take much to fake it in this country. Find something to run with. Then run with it well. Like Ugandan car drivers when they learn that the most important thing in a car is the engine. From the time they learn this, the first question a Ugandan will ask about a car is the fuel consumption. Gundi why do you want to know? If I say it is 2.5CC, then what happens? Okay, back to the middle class.

You see, once they learn a meal at one of the fine-dining spots, the next time they talk about it, it is as though they invented the meal. Surely, this is a meal you have learnt in your adulthood, how can you claim not to know anything beyond that? You started eating quesadillas yesterday, yet you claim to be more Mexican than your fellow Ugandans. Or that moment when they learn to pronounce it well. Last time a friend was correcting me, mbu I had pronounced Dublin as ‘Dubulini’, I shut her up. Who cares? Can the Irish pronounce Nansana?

Same applies to the middle class and their newfound love with rare activities. How on earth did you acquire a passion for attending art exhibitions? Okay I could understand the times when art had some realism. But in this age of abstraction. What is that art doing to you? What interpretations are you drawing from that art piece? And there is that signature head nod, and a perfected curious look. Basically, slow down a bit and pretend to appreciate the art. Really? That artist is just crazy, they just threw lines of ink on a canvas. Now here you are pretending to be normal, making out something.

Come down to the new obsession with perfumes, fragrances and scents. Recently you people just upgraded from the roll-on and random spray republic. Now you are shouting brands like you know much about those designer perfumes. You will hear her proclaim; ‘I cannot do anything other than a Valentino Donna, simanya Summer edition.’ You bu-people, one of these days we are going to fight. Your ancestors grew up on Bombo and they did not die. Now you are here raising standards on things you cannot afford quite often.

What about the wine crew? Okay at least the people are improving from that Cousins business. At least they are learning a few other wines here and there. But even then, it will still be a Cabernet Sauvignon. And note, they will have spent the last 10 minutes rehearsing the pronunciation. I have also not forgotten the ones that always insist on ice. Ugandans and ice. People there is no sophistication in ice. You always took your things neat. When did ice become the hill that you want to die on? Huh, let us not even shift to the sparkling water crew. That one too is just annoying.

Have we forgotten some people? Oh yes, the cocktail crew. People, the Margarita and Long Island, those things you have learnt post early adulthood. But now you go to Adjumani and keep stressing people for funny cocktail names. Gwe do you have the same things in your village? You should see Ugandans when they are on a work trip in the countryside. The kajanja, they keep asking for things that could never exist in those places.

The phone crew, you people who keep upgrading your phones to the latest versions, what is the output? First, the GDP of this poor country is not changing considerably. And last time I checked most apartments in this country are empty. I have also heard rumours mbu the bed-space culture has come to Kampala officially. Mbu you just see a group of hotties emerging from the same apartment. They just never allow those who drop them to access the house. But well, yours truly has no issue, people must survive in any way possible.

This middle class has also gone on a certification trail. They are getting themselves certified in anything that exists. People beyond things such as CFA, CPA, most certifications are a waste of LinkedIn space. Like why are you getting a PMP certification? When the biggest project you have run in your life is attempting to build your village house? Guys, skill is the real certification, demonstratable skill, not a paper. But then, I am not your father, or coach (anti everyone now has a coach). That is the Ugandan middle class. To become one, jump on something, maybe classical music, claim to be in love with Beethoven’s Symphony 9. Okay, anything that makes you stand out from the chaps in your circles. It could be a Prada product. Just pick some ka unique struggle and force life on that one.

At least hike a mountain or run a marathon… anti the middle class also does extreme sports… do not get my friends, I am just talking for the sake.

Twitter: ortegatalks