Is it love or lust? How to tell the difference

Johnson Tumusime, a psychologist, defines love as a multifaceted bond that goes beyond mere attraction. It encompasses deep emotional connection, trust and a shared sense of purpose. On the other hand, lust, often mistaken for love, is more of a fleeting and instinctive sensation.

“Lust is primarily driven by physical desire and the pursuit of pleasure. It tends to be more immediate, lacking the depth and longevity associated with genuine love,” Johnson notes.

One key distinction lies in the motivations behind these emotions. While love is characterised by selflessness, a genuine concern for the well-being of the other person and a desire for mutual growth, lust is more self-centred, focusing on personal gratification rather than the holistic connection between individuals. As relationships evolve, the initial spark of lust may pave the way for the development of profound love. 

Foundation

Emily Okwi, a couples’ therapist and psychologist, emphasises, “While lust can be the initial catalyst, sustainable relationships often require the foundation of love, a connection that withstands the tests of time.”

It is crucial for individuals to recognise and navigate these emotions consciously. Understanding the difference between love and lust empowers individuals to build meaningful, lasting connections such as communication, shared values and emotional intimacy that play pivotal roles in cultivating authentic love.

According to Dr K N Jacob, a renowned life coach, here are the differences between lust and love:

Lust is mortal and fills eyes while love is divine and fills hearts. Love is patient, kind and waits. Lust threatens and gives deadlines and ultimatums.

“If you do not conceive, he walks out on you. If you do not have money, she walks out on you. When you cannot have sex after delivering his newborn, he gets involved in affairs. If you do not overcome an addiction, she files for divorce. If he finds you nagging, he leaves you,” Dr Jacob says.

No envy

Love does not envy and does not boast whereas with lust a man brags how he got you out of poverty and a woman swags how she earns more than the man.

“A man full of lust boasts how other women are dying to have him and a woman full of lust will go out with men for money. She lusts after a high-end lifestyle that she cannot afford at the moment. To satisfy her lusts, she does not care whether the man is married or not,’’ says Dr Jacob.

Dr Jacob notes that when a woman goes out with a married man, there is no love. The involved pair should stop deceiving themselves that they love each other.

“No! You lust after each other. He lusts after her body and she lusts after his money. At times, the lust is so much that the woman does not care that the married man is her father’s age,” he adds.

Love does not dishonour others

When another man sleeps with a married woman, he does not love her, he dishonours her and her husband.

Likewise when a married woman allows to sleep with a married man, she does not act in his best interest, she dishonours him and his wife. Lust dishonours marriage. Where lust is involved, your phone is never answered after the act of sin. Lust leaves you feeling used and misused.

Love is not self-seeking

Lust seeks self-interest. Where lust reigns, a man does not care about your career progress. A man who loves his wife seeks fulfillment in her life. He wants her to pursue her purpose and fulfill her destiny.

“Lust leaves you hanging in bed. A man who loves you seeks to satisfy you always. A woman who loves you submits to your love. One who uses you manipulates you in bed and frustrates your ambitions,” Dr Jacob states.

Love is not easily angered. Love forgives and pursues peace and reconciliation. Lust keeps a record of wrongs and seeks to hurt.

Dr Jacob adds that love does not focus on who is wrong but what is right. Love rejoices in truth and is transparent and accountable. Lust rejoices in evil, hate and failure. When a partner rejoices over your misfortunes, they never loved you in the first place.

Note

Dr Jacob advises us to never be led by lust since it will destroy your job or business. Lust will cost your name and your life. Lust sins against your body and weakens your soul. But love conquers lust. Love is stronger than lust. Love always protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres and creates security and assurance. Love never fails. God is Love (1 John 4:8).”

According to verywellmind.com, if you want to express lustful feelings toward someone, prioritise honesty. Once you have told the person that you feel attracted to them this way, move on to prioritising consent.

Alternatively, if you are in a relationship and you find yourself lusting after someone else, if at all possible, tell your partner the truth so that the two of you together can decide your comfort levels in terms of acting on it.

While both lust and love can cause stress, it is important to remember that these emotions are normal, and everyone is learning how to navigate them. While it may not be easy to sometimes tell someone how you really feel about them, try to prioritise honesty even if you mostly feel physically attracted to someone.

Takeaway

Remember it is okay not to constantly experience the butterflies typically associated with a relationship’s beginning stages. Getting to the point of love takes work. To reach the stage of love, you need to take the time to build a connection with someone. While it may not always feel like a head rush, deeper levels of intimacy are always rewarding.

Understanding early emotions

Sometimes, when we are in the early days of a new relationship, it may be difficult to tell whether it is love or lust because we are so interested in the physical aspects and the rose-coloured newness of it all that we are not thinking about where everything is going just yet.
Do not rush things. Instead, ask them questions, spend a reasonable amount of quality time together and progressively, as time goes on, open up to each other. Talk about the things that will or will not make you compatible long-term and decide where to go from there.