Signs you are a better marriage partner

Rachael and Bobby are celebrating 25 years of marriage this year. When I visited them, we talked about many things but somehow the conversation went into how they had managed to make it this far. 

“As soon as I married her, I handed over my memory to her. She remembers anything while I forget everything”, Bobby joked. Rachael on her part wondered how she had kept sane for all this long, “At one point you are the most miserable person on earth and at another, you are the happiest of all humankind. I think marriage is a drug!” 
Both agree that they have become better people and partners over the years they have lived together. They shared with me some tell-tale signs that indicate that partners have become better .

 
   READ: Take your time when choosing a marriage partner

1. You are more empathetic and sympathetic
 You may have become tired of being judgmental and losing your peace and the peace of your partner over even the smallest of issues so you now seek to understand them rather than judge them. You have accepted your partner for who they are and what they are not. You are a better listener, caring about hearing what your partner says but also what they do not say. You are more tuned to them than to yourself. And they are enjoying conversations with you where they previously kept silent on you but told the neighbour next door. 

2. You are balanced logically and emotionally
 When in conflict or stressed, you have understood and learnt to balance your head (logic) and heart (emotions). Rachael explains: “At the beginning of my marriage after the birth of our first child, whenever I got angry, I would eat so much. I put every frustration on my poor husband. But one evening after we quarreled, I looked in the mirror and did not like what I saw. I had piled on weight and looked like an elephant. I decided to change the state of affairs. I was going to exercise and eat healthy besides stopping blaming my husband for everything wrong with me. Our relationship has improved and we are better for it.”   

        
3. You understand your partner’s love language and speak it
 There are five love languages, according to Gary Chapman, author of  the book  The Five Love Languages. These are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Conflicts arise when partners do not know how to communicate love to each other. It is thus common to hear some partners complain, “I don’t feel loved” yet their partners are thinking they are loving them. As for you, you have discovered your partner’s love language and are communicating with them meaningfully and making them feel loved. You are enjoying a new lease on your relationship. 

4. You realise sex is more than just for procreation
  You may have been one of those guys who went into intimate moments with the gusto to satisfy yourself. You were selfish. It only mattered if you were satisfied. You acted like a hired porn star. But you later realised that there can never be pleasure if pleasure is not mutual. You now put more emphasis on your partner than on yourself. You spend more time getting her ready than spending some calories. You are reaping dividends big time because you are experiencing synergetic results.   

5. You speak your mind without fear or demeaning your partner
 You probably feared speaking your mind before for fear that your partner might judge you or when you did, you came across as condescending and demeaning. You have since left that dock. You refuse to sweep matters under the carpet or choose the cowardly silent treatment rather you prefer to confront them lovingly and respectfully without attacking or offending your partner. This means that you choose your words and moments carefully, seeking to meet them at the best possible moments when they are free to talk and listen. 

6. You have let go of controlling behaviour
 You probably have been the control freak who kept your partner on a leash and created a toxic environment for them and yourself because, unknown to you, you were insecure. But as time has gone by, you have embraced who you are and learnt to be secure. This liberated you and your partner. You are not afraid to let them go and be because you trust them. You have come to the appreciation that your partner does not have to have similar interests like yours or be with you 24/7.

 You spend quality time together but you can also spend time apart and still be fulfilled in their absence. You have known your meeting point with them. If they like the gym and you do not, you have let them be. 

7. You set healthy boundaries
 Boundaries were not important to you before. Your partner did as they pleased even violating your space and person and you did nothing about it. You feared to confront them, choosing the easy way of playing the dumb ass or sacrificial lamb. You became unhappy and resentful of your partner and the relationship altogether But you realised this state of affairs was going nowhere. You changed. You started protesting their treatment of you and voiced your concerns and boundaries. You drew some lines in the sand. For the first time, your partner has had to choose to behave right or risk losing you.  

8. Self-care has become important to you
 You previously drowned yourself in the care of your partner and the children forgetting the most important priority here---YOU.  You somehow convinced yourself that they would never live without you.

 But the light bulbs came on. You realised you are the most important priority to yourself beside you could never give what you don’t have. You now care for them but you care for yourself first. You take yourself out, buy yourself a pretty dress, and spend time with your friends… because the degree to which you are healthy and fulfilled is the same degree your partner will be. 
 
Marriage is that space where we never get to fully learn. We are continuously and constantly improving to become better at meeting our needs and the needs of our partners. Now, look into your marriage. In what areas do you think you have become a better person and partner?  

9.You are open and vulnerable
 Previously, you were probably conscious of how your partner viewed you. You hid your thoughts and feelings from them. In some cases, you are the person who preferred intimate moments under the cover of darkness. You did not trust the look of your body. But you have gone past that. You are “naked and unashamed”. You share your thoughts and feelings freely because you have come to learn that your partner genuinely loves you and will do you no harm. If they criticise you, you know it is meant for your good and because they love you. You both laugh at your idiosyncrasies. You are open and vulnerable to them.