Do not let an extended family ruin your marriage

Stella Akello married into a family where she was despised for low levels of education by her husband’s family. Constant disparaging and criticism can weigh anybody down but not Akello.

 She decided to sign up for school again and three years later, she got her degree.  And this made her feel better about herself. Her in-law’s opinion of her has not changed though. Akello suffers the humiliation of some of the latent but salient issues which comply with our extended relational constructs. We, Africans, are ethically and psychically “collective” compared to our friends in the West.

Collectivism, according to Craig Biddle in his article, Individualism vs Collectivism: Our Future, Our Choice, “is the idea that an individual’s life belongs not to him but to the group or society of which he is merely a part, that he has no rights and that he must sacrifice his values and goals for the group’s “greater good”. We marry not the individual per se, but their family too, so to speak, and our marriage is a shared experience with the community.   

The shared experience in human relations is constituted basically from two sources; i) consanguinity (or blood relation) and ii) affinity (or marriage). Outside of the nuclear family, or first degree relatives (father, mother, and children), there is the extended family which includes: the second degree relatives (grandparents, grandchildren, uncles, aunts, nephews, nieces, and half-siblings), the third degree relatives (great-grandparents, great grandchildren, great uncles/aunts) and first cousins) and the affinity relatives (or affines) or more commonly known as in-laws. 

This shared experience must be well nurtured and managed by the married couple so as to benefit from them, otherwise it can jar your life to a “living hell”.

Some relations, however, are difficult to manage-even for the most level-headed person, but with a little wisdom, you can and should be able to ride through with minimum direct and collateral effects.

Managing relatives’ expectations, taking care of the sick, relatives, old parents, orphaned children, are part of the collective responsibility of the extended family, of which you are expected to participate. In Africa, “blood is thicker than water” we like to say, however, the Bible has placed three relationships above blood relations:

a)The relationship between God and Man

 In Genesis 2-3, before there was any other human being, God and Adam often “chilled” together in the cool of day for conversation. They were besties. Jesus reminds us of this priority in relationship in Luke 14:26; “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters--yes, even his own life--he cannot be my disciple.”

b) The relationship between a man and a woman. This is a covenant-based union that is permanent. It is likened to God’s relationship with the church.  

c) The spiritual relationship between brethren united in Christ

 How do you manage/handle these intricate but vital relations in an increasingly difficult financial and social environment? Here are six  rules of engagement:

Establish independence

A married couple must prepare to cut any emotional and other dependence on authorities from both sets of parents and in-laws and creatively establish their own.  

Engage to the level of your ability

There will always be a relative who contributes money to a family cause more than anyone else. The pressure to want to do more to impress your relatives can be exhausting. You will want to avoid overspending on relatives and over pledging on weddings and funerals. 

Mind your business

Some people will want you to side with them against others. You may want to avoid getting involved in other people’s business, as Scripture instructs, “…and to make it your ambition to lead a quiet life: You should mind your own business and work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody.” (1 Thessalonians 4:11-12)

Respect your boundaries

 Unless you are free with them already,  any engagements with your husband’s family should be through him.Boundaries will guard you against perceived mistaken motives.

You might be irked by particular habits from your in-laws but you must consider relationship more important than having your way, so you may want to grit your teeth- if you have to- but not insult or disparage them.

Set your rules

You can agree on how to extend hospitality to relatives. For example, any visiting relative should call or text before they visit you. Agree on how long they will stay to enable you plan their meals and space.

Allow each other space

Funerals, weddings, birthday parties, baptisms, are often celebrations that bring families together. Do not stop your husband from engaging in these activities with his relatives unless they constitute orgies. He may want a break from children or home environment, or even you.  Allow them that space.