Prime
How to raise resilient children
When you engage a child in activities such as sports, they learn to be resilient. PHOTO/FILE/COURTESY
What you need to know:
- Equip them. Every parent would want to see their children thrive against the tide of the world. How do you train them for resilience?
Sharon and Davis are raising their three children in what you may call a middle class. Both professionals with well-paying jobs, their children have gone to the best schools in this country. They lack nothing. But, Sharon is worried to death: “I do not know how my son Brad will turn out in life. He completed university and is at home with us. I got him a job in a bank but I had to write him his CV. I drop him off at work and pick him up because the bank is on my way home. I have tried to talk to him to get out of the nest, but he seems to think of going nowhere. I am not sure he can stand on his own against this rough life. I am not sure we raised him right…I secretly admire children who take care of themselves.”
Sharon is not alone. Some parents fear their children might not stand against the world after they are gone. But you do not have to worry if your children are still young. You can raise them to be resilient. But, what is resilience? It is the ability to stand against and overcome the stresses and strains of life and to come out positively impacted by them. However much a parent may want to protect their child from the pressures of life, it is not possible because life happens to everyone to some degree. As parents, however, we need to build resilience in our children. And this is how:
Allow them independence
I know this is tough for a “helicopter” parent (those who hover over their children) but you must know that you will not always be with your child. At a later point in their life, they will leave your house and they had better learnt to function independently of you. You can begin by allowing them the freedom to think and act on their own. Do not always provide answers to their questions. Bounce them back to them and hear what they think. Play the role of a guide and not the Alpha and Omega. Affirm their right choices and they get confident about making them, they will develop the capacity to stand for what they believe and, in the process, build resilience.
Give them age-appropriate tasks
You have maids and help around the home but leave some tasks for your children to do. Let them learn and allow them the freedom to fail. For instance, I have been tempted several times to make perfect drawings in my four-year-old daughter’s homework book. However, I have to remind myself it is her work and not mine. And, her teachers are looking for progress even on her jagged drawings.
Teach them to value processes, not scores
In an age where everything is instant, children must learn the habit of waiting on the process rather than hitting the goal. For example, when football coach Pep Guardiola substituted Thierry Henri during a football game against Sporting Lisbon because Thierry scored a goal against Pep’s plan. In Thierry’s own words, “Pep Guardiola had a plan. If you do not actually do what he’s asking you to do, you are going to be in trouble. Me being me I went there [to the right wing] to play with Lionel Messi and I could hear him being upset because I was n’t on the side of the dugout. I didn’t really care, you know.
“I scored a goal, 1-0 up against Sporting Lisbon at half-time, all nice and everything, and he took me off…. ‘What did I do wrong?’ Coaches such as Guardiola understand the value of the process. As a parent, you too should understand that the process teaches character, patience, and resilience. It is how anything that is to last long is built. You could for instance have your child join a sports team to learn to play in turn, be flexible mentally, and learn to lose graciously. You can also enrol them in a musical school to learn to play a musical instrument, or a language class to learn a new language. These take time and teach resilience.
Have their back but let them face
Be present to encourage and motivate your child, but do not interrupt their learning process through the challenges they are facing. I have seen many parents blow such precious moments for their children in the name of loving them, not knowing they are shielding the child from learning valuable life lessons. For instance, if your child is failing at their academics due to their carelessness and they are being reprimanded by the school administration, do not protect them. Instead, stand with the school authority and enforce the reprimand. This way, you are communicating love and wisdom.
Allow your children to try new things
Children must try new hobbies or take a risk on something that is out of their comfort zone but within their ability and interest. Do not force something on them that they do not like to do. For instance, take them hiking a small mountain, or swimming in a natural lake…whatever it is that can elicit challenge and interest. You can be sure they will build their confidence and adaptability skills from it. Skills they will need going forward into their future to build resilience.
Don’t provide a child’s every need
I have seen parents wear themselves out trying to provide for their child’s every whim. This encourages children to have the undesirable habit of entitlement. Rather, even when you are able, in some specific cases, withhold your provision. Let the child wait. Let them appreciate and use what they already have.
Model resilience
As a parent, you can model resilience by displaying problem-solving skills and self-control. For instance, you can teach your child how to manage their anger by showing them how to calm down when faced with a tough situation. You will not get it right all the time but a parent who is committed to modelling resilience is better off than one not trying at all.
After all this, do not worry if they do not warm up to your ideas at the beginning. Keep at it and time will vindicate you.
Build their skills
Resilient people have social safety nets in which they communicate and find solutions to their adversities and adversaries. We all need people to help us out of the challenges we face and your children will need them too. Start by helping your children socialise outside their home. Make friends with good neighbours and get your child involved in their community life through community resources such as churches, non-profits, and clubs.
