Pregnant before marriage: Surviving in your Church

There is enough condemnation from society when a lady gets pregnant out of wedlock. But when you are a devoted church-goer or worse still, a leader of sorts in the church, the scathing judgmental attitude of your brethren may be something you have never imagined Christians are capable of. Damalie Nabasirye, a dental surgeon and worship leader at her church then, still lives with some stigma that came from her experience when she got pregnant out of wedlock.

Much as the father of her child accepted responsibility, he continued being a regular worshipper who sits at the back of the church, while Nabasirye was a leader, who with an ever growing belly, had to face the disgrace, gossip and disdain of people who previously esteemed her. Other less-condemning brethren just did not know how to help her or what to say to her, so they just stayed far away muttering greetings and hurrying off. Infact, she could read fear in others’ eyes; like they would contract the pregnancy just by meeting her.

Eventually, she decided her presence was causing enough discomfort and that it was best to stop going to Church. Seven years down, she has been unable to reconcile herself to what happened. She has never been able to sing or become a regular at any other church. Running into any of the people who knew her still evokes the same feelings.

Sandra Nangobi’s case was a little different in that she had been openly dating the man who was responsible-now her husband. Wrapped up in the love cloud of excitement in the midst of her marriage preparations, she, a member of the dignified prayer warrior group got pregnant. She figured it would not be a big deal since they were getting married anyway. But she was close to the pastor’s wife and after their final counselling session, she felt it would only be prudent to be honest with her dear friend. That was it! The pastor’s wife was not taking any of it. She invoked the Pentecostal rule of not wedding a couple that is expecting. Friendship aside, she was going to be treated like any other woman in that position. With barely two weeks to their wedding, the young couple’s sole option was to apologise before the church for their sin (a prerequisite that clears the air) on the forthcoming Sunday before their wedding the following Saturday. Otherwise, the wedding was not going to take place, they were told. Wit
h most items on their budget fully paid up, the embarrassed couple gathered courage and repented before the church.

These repenting sessions typical of most Pentecostal Churches have left many believers even more uncomfortable than the perpetrators. Sarah Kanyesigye, who worships at Watoto Church, decries the method used on the people who sin this way.

“They have to repent in all the five church services and this approach probably makes other girls inclined to abortions, dying in the process, to avoid the shame that surrounds the experience,” she says.

For Nancy, the man responsible was a youth pastor who was engaged to be married. “To clean his image, he quickly ran to the church leadership and said I had seduced him into sin. He was believed because he was a very committed member while I was treated like a prostitute who was out to destroy his forthcoming marriage.”

Nancy says she was made to feel like a social misfit with parents sternly warning her not to visit or talk to their daughters.

What church leaders say

Pastor Joshua Mugabi of Watoto Church explains that it is only people that have been in positions of church leadership that are required to apologise and step down form these positions. He explains why this course of action has been chosen. “Leaders are accountable to the people they lead, so all we encourage them to do is to tell the people that, ‘look, we are sorry that this happened.’ It is also a form of healing for them and they are counselled and talked to before they do so. And they accept but when they refuse, they are not forced to do it.”

Apostle Alex Mitala of the Born Again Federation of Uganda argues using scripture which says that when a righteous man sins, he has to repent and start afresh. This, he says, sets a good example and foundation for the young, a good example, he adds, that is being threatened by Christian kings, MPs and people in positions of leadership, who are giving birth outside wedlock and making the youths think that it is okay.

“The church of God has an owner called Jesus who has rules and regulations. And if you are truly born again, you will not find any problem with repenting before the church; it only becomes hard for those who are not. And if you refuse to repent, we chase you from the Church,” he adds.

Rev Diana Nkesiga, the Vicar of All Saints Cathedral thinks it is wise for a Christian girl (and even a man) in this kind of situation to step down from a position of leadership. However, she emphasises that pregnancy is not a sin and viewing it this way can stigmatise the child. “The sexual act leading to pregnancy is the sin and when a person truly repents, it is even okay to come for Holy Communion.”

However, she has noted that many Christians do not listen enough and are quick to judge and condemn without hearing the whole story yet, “some girls are raped, and some are just acting out from frustrations at home,” she explains.

Fr Dennis Wamala of Gaba Catholic Church says much as these incidences are rare at his church, it would be hard to call a devotee aside to ask about the pregnancy. Infact, Harriet Akello, a member of the church says even if the unwed mother is a choir member; it is usually up to her to step aside depending on how embarrassed she feels. “Otherwise, you can continue coming to Church and no one will bat an eye lid,” she adds.

Has society’s stance changed?

Two generations ago, pregnancy outside marriage would raise eye brows and get tongues wagging especially if the man responsible was unwilling and unable to take on the girl. Humiliated, the young woman would bear up under all sorts of disgrace from society, this sometimes running through her entire life if she did not get any other man to marry her and wash away the shame. (It is important to note here that as long as a man would take in his pregnant woman, with or without bride price paid or a wedding for that matter, it was considered and respected as a marriage.)

Obviously, things are different today. When a man is reluctant to start a family faulting financial instability or general unpreparedness, many women will take the bull by the horns. Joyce, a human resource manager, found herself in this position doing what she previously thought was unwomanly when her boyfriend of three years was dragging his feet about starting a family. Age was fast catching up, yet she had finished her masters’ degree and was properly settled in at her well-paying job as a senior executive.

“Inspite of my pleas that he could sort himself financially-go for higher education probably- while I took care of the family, he would not listen. I just got on with it and got pregnant. He is a caring generous man, the kind I wanted to have a child with and I could comfortably take care of myself and the baby just in case he fell short in any way,” Joyce narrates.

Joyce did not even have to think about society’s perception of her decision. “What?” she asks. “Was I going to ask any of them to feed me or my baby? I am doing better than all my elderly relatives; none of them would dare offend me with a question about the father of my child for fear of losing out on the financial assistance I give them.”

In Joyce’s case, the society which would have previously condemned and despised her has lost its sting because of her financial standing. Apart from the concern of a child growing up without a father, becoming a financial burden to relatives was probably one of the most important reasons why many parents wanted the responsibility of pregnant young women out of their homes. So with educated women today who have good jobs and can comfortably take care of their financial futures, society has been left with no option but to shut up when they get pregnant.

Solome Nakaweesi-Kimbugwe, a renowned feminist, is quick to point out that raising children has been a woman’s responsibility just that she probably needed a place and financial support to do it. So, in came the husband’s house and his money. “But many women worldwide are financially empowered today and are taking charge of their lives. Women are even helping men to pay their bride price,” she quips.

Infact, Kimbugwe notes, away from this discussion, that the average young man today wants to live off such a woman. What with unpredictable finances for both business people and the employed! Men are consistently left struggling to take care of families. Just three children in primary school each paying Shs600,000 in a good day school means Shs1.8 m per term without school requirements, daily transport, rent and other family needs. So if they find a woman who can to a great extent share this burden, they will gladly take her on.

Other than being financially capable, traumatising relationships have also played a big role in women getting pregnant outside committed relationships. With this understanding, a good percentage of society has gotten quite levelheaded about marriage and its difficulties and will appreciate a woman’s need to have children without complicating herself with a marital union.

Grace Ochan is one such example. She spent years nursing her broken heart to health only to wake up at 35 with no child. She determined to leave behind the legacy of a child, man or no man in her life. Without asking questions, her over-zealous born again mother who preached against pregnancy outside wedlock was overjoyed when she managed to get pregnant at 38. There were no queries about the father of the child who was a married co-worker that had agreed to help her attain her legacy.

Speaking on behalf of women of the past generation, Kevina Nabwire, a 58-year-old businesswoman in Busia argues that morality has not changed much.

“Young women today are just as permissive-if not more- as we were however, they are lucky to have enough options to get away with anything. For example, we had no knowledge of safe and unsafe days; we did not have pills and other methods of contraception like condoms and pills. The thought of Postinor (a morning-after pill) is quite unbelievable. So when a young woman gets pregnant the same 50’s style, society believes that she has opted for it.”
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