Satire: Guardiola to lead Uganda’s budget strategy 

The Finance ministry has developed a 15-year economic growth policy expected to increase the economy by a tenfold projector. 

This move comes at a time when economic growth has averaged 4.7 percent per annum over the past decade. If you read 47 instead of 4.7, you clearly did not get the point.

So let me explain this 15-year economic growth policy. Sure, being 15 it may not have reached the legal age to drink, but age is just a number.

It is going to grow up into the same old song about Uganda’s middle-income status. Which is a strange status since being in the middle is never a good thing. 

For instance, the expression “caught in the middle” means to be stuck between two opposing sides in an argument. Thereupon, you become an intellectual sandwich and they don’t sell those at Javas. If they did, it would be crunch time…as it is with the economy. 

Things are so bad that the Man City manager since 2016, Guardiola, is being airlifted into the country to rescue the economy. 

I know, Man United fans are wondering why Uganda suddenly needs a Pep in its step, but it is obvious. 

The legendary football coach popularised the “tiki-taka” style and led FC Barcelona to an unprecedented treble win in his first season as head coach.

And you know that our economy needs to be transformed from being “taka-taka” to its more prosperous relative, tiki-taka. 

The man to make this happen is Guardiola. 

Another reason we need Pep is that Uganda does not need a change of guard; it needs a change of Guardiola. He is the one to make sure that the economy is flying swirriiiii! 

According to reliable (re)sources, he will deploy the Kikcomando to combat any shortfalls in food production. Next, he says, he will use the mind games of Ferguson to convince Ugandans that they see development everywhere, yet nowhere. 

This mental trick is called the frequency illusion (also known as the Baader–Meinhof phenomenon). This is a cognitive bias where you notice something and then suddenly that item is everywhere you look.

For example, if Guardiola paints Kampala in Man City colours, sky blue and white, all United fans will see red; the devils. 

Of course, this means United fans will be angry. But anger may in time change to gladness, says the military strategist Sun Tzu. And then there will surely be a Pep in our national step. 

As you can see, Guardiola has the right formula to rescue the economy. 

However, that is not all. 

He also plans to capture Joseph Kony. 

If you recall correctly, the US government announced a $5 million reward for information leading to the arrest of Kony.

“This amount will pay my salary, as you know I don’t come cheap,” Guardiola said.

“I am on the list of top-earning soccer coaches, second only to Atletico Madrid’s Diego Simeone. At City, I earn $21.6 million a year in salary and Simeone earns $32 million a year. So I am taking a pay cut as a means of boosting the economy. If I demanded my actual pay, the economy would collapse.”

However, catching Kony will not be easy. 

In 2004, the Uganda People’s Defence Forces announced a wardrobe malfunction-related victory against the Lord’s Resistance Army when they had captured Kony’s Kaunda suit.

Since that time, Kony has been walking around in his birthday suit. So he makes sure he stays out of public view as a way of concealing his shameful nakedness. 

Still, Guardiola claims that he can catch Kony by opening up kimansulo joints all over Uganda. You see, he argues, Kony must be one of those naked people in that trade based on the fact that he cannot get another job dressed in his Adam Suit as he is. 

We are sure that Pep will catch Kony because Joseph is José in Spain and we all know how Pep hates Mourinho. 

Nevertheless, always the Mour, some ingrates are ready to protest against this move. To be sure, besides United supporters seeing red; the National Unity Platform will surely red.