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Satire: Pastors say the census is witchcraft

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Some pastors have come out strongly to condemn the census. According to them, it is a demonic exercise. That’s because it counts witchdoctors instead of counting the country’s blessings. So the pastors have asked the enumerators to count them out.

Although the pastors have been informed that the census is the procedure of systematically acquiring, recording and calculating population information about the members of a given population, they have jammed. 

One prophet has officially predicted that the enumerators will win innumerable Academy Awards for acting like they are good. Yet, he agrees, they are good for nothing. 

They go door-to-door like Nsenene sellers and, in the process; they have visited shrines belonging to famous unknowns such as the witchdoctors Maji Moto and Mafuta Mingi Sana. 

Another pastor, who is in Afghanistan, has even written a ‘Kabul Letter’ to Mzee. In the letter, he has blamed the two witchdoctors for the prime minister’s office. 

According to him, ministers only belong to the church of which the prime minister is Jesus. How she goes around claiming to be divine by calling herself a prime minister has rubbed him the wrong way. 

In the letter, he also faults the enumerators for being so ignorant that they would not be able to locate Uganda on a map of Uganda. Many of them, he says, have taken to counting the hours in a day as a means of reminding Ugandans that their days are numbered. 

Other pastors have decried the enumerators for allowing people to sit when being counted when everyone should stand up and be counted as children of God. 

Others claim that the enumerators have enlisted the bars, banks and pharmacies to help them count since these places all have counters. 

Especially the pharmacies, they have many under-the-counter dealings which are over-the-top like the country’s taxes. 

Toilets are also being counted in twos because people who frequent them usually go for a Number One and a Number Two. 

Enumerators have confessed, outside of church, that they are finding it hard to count lovers. As you know, lovers are two bodies living in one soul. 

As a result, two people must be counted as one. Lovers have thus been advised to break up until the exercise is over.  

Ugandans named after Bishop Desmond Tutu have been advised to change their names to Desmond One-One for this reason, too. 

Back to the pastors: not all pastors have condemned the exercise. 

Some want to know the exact number of Ugandans that exist and so they can subtract that number from their flock in order to pray that they go to hell for not going to their churches. 

How can there be millions of Ugandans, they ask, yet only thousands go to their churches? 

They claim the census will fuel terrorism, especially if conducted in the afterlife. For if it is confirmed that they are 72 virgins for every successful terrorist, the activity will mess up the country’s calendar by putting the May in Mayhem. 

Another pastor also wants Sunday Monitor columnist Alan Tacca counted twice to prove that his views are of Tacca-Tacca. 

Other atheists, he adds, should be inconvenienced until they exclaim: My God!

It is the best way to make them acknowledge God. 

On the whole, though, pastors seem to be in the dark about the census. 

It is easy to see why.  

When they asked their congregations what time the census would take place, they were told it would happen from nine o’clock each day. 

To which they replied, “Did you say nine, oh flock?”

They are not the only ones who are ignorant. As said earlier, the enumerators know precious little about what they are doing. 

As you know, many Ugandans had not even heard of the word “quarantine” until they found themselves in one. 

Most enumerators too had never heard of the word “enumeration”. Now they know what it means, they wish it could change to “remuneration”.

Academy Awards: One prophet has officially predicted that the enumerators will win innumerable Academy Awards for acting like they are good. Yet, he agrees, they are good for nothing.