Can a corrupt, secular govt vet fake pastors?

Author: Alan Tacca. PHOTO/FILE

What you need to know:

  • The witchdoctor knows that he and the pastor are con men, but also that the pastor is often a pathological self-promoter who will even take his Bible and loudspeaker to busy street junctions where other vendors and hawkers are prohibited.

To witness religious katogo reasoning, study the pastors.
Without exaggeration, Uganda’s witchdoctors are now less baffling than their Pentecostal rivals.
The witchdoctors have been very clever. Once they recognised that the Pentecostals had dragged the Christian experience back to extreme primitive spiritualism, the witchdoctors left the pastors to spread the word about the power of ghosts, demons and witchcraft itself. 
When the pastors denounce and insult witchdoctors, the latter remain calm, as long as the pastors reinforce people’s belief in the existence and power of the spirits.
The witchdoctor knows that he and the pastor are con men, but also that the pastor is often a pathological self-promoter who will even take his Bible and loudspeaker to busy street junctions where other vendors and hawkers are prohibited.
The pastor would, therefore, quickly expose himself and be caught out as a fraud and a public nuisance, losing disillusioned followers almost as fast as he won gullible new ones.
More cool-headed, promising less magical power than the pastor’s grand miracles, the witchdoctor benefits from lower clients’ expectations, less disillusionment and a lower defection rate.
Last weekend, in a sprawling Kiboga graveyard, a newcomer had just been interred, and the mourners going home.
A short distance from the main crowd, a commotion ensued.
The 3pm heat was beating like a furnace. Apparently, when the finality of death sank in, a daughter of the departed lady had got overwhelmed. Hysterical, then fainting, she had been carried to the side by good Samaritans. Her departed mother went to a Pentecostal church. The pastors who had just finished conducting the funeral service had rushed to the scene and taken over the patient.
Clearly, their diagnosis was exactly the same as witchdoctors would make: The young woman was possessed by a ghost.
Facing up, the girl’s limbs were splayed, the pastors holding her firmly to the ground. Pounding the air with their fists just above her head, two of the pastors were violently commanding the ghost to leave her: 
“Muveeko; genda… Muveeko; genda…”
Every time the young lady was coming round, the relentless pressure of the pastors’ voices terrified her, prompting her to fight and scream. Then she would faint again. 
She did not die. But there are reports of death in similar situations.
Elsewhere, over the same weekend, at his radio/TV talk show, Joseph Sserwadda, who introduces himself as the ‘Presiding Apostle of the Born-Again Faith’, was insisting for the umpteenth time that the government is squarely responsible for the existence of fake Pentecostal churches, because it registers them as NGO’s.
Sserwadda cannot see how contradictory his position is. Why? He challenges the government to invite anywhere between 300 and 1,000 genuine pastors (who he says the government ‘knows’) to work out how Pentecostals should operate in the country.
Sserwadda consistently dodges the responsibility of listing the genuine pastors himself; just as he consistently dodges the issue of denouncing the blatantly wicked pastors by arguing that they act/offend as ‘individuals’. 
But if the presiding cleric cannot list his subordinates, what is his title worth? And how would the corrupt secular government separate the chaff from the legitimate pastors in a climate where the same Sserwadda insists that, in his faith (superior to stale religions), God directly ‘calls’ persons He wants to serve.
What if God ‘calls’ another 12 after President Museveni has sorted out the 1,000 holies?
Moreover, Sserwadda’s crowd avowedly and arrogantly hates the very concept of organised religion; why is he not satisfied that the pastors are gloriously disorganised?
Mr Tacca is a novelist, socio-political commentator.
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