Take your time when choosing a marriage partner

The process of choosing a partner is foundational to a good marriage. The person you are going to spend the rest of your life with needs to conform to certain standards that you have set, physical appearance being the least important, writes Andrew Mwenge

Choice is a point of concern, anxiety and even confusion for many as they approach the years of marriage. In the musical Fiddler on the Roof, the three daughters living in a family tradition of arranged marriages are desperate that the match maker will make them a perfect match, hence the legendary lines:

“Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match;
Find me a find, catch me a catch.
Matchmaker, matchmaker, look through your book,
And make me a perfect match.”

It is impossible to find a perfect match because everyone has their flaws but the following are important in choosing a marriage partner.
Choose with both your head and heart. When people talk about “falling in love”, they are often referring to the overwhelming feelings that are common in newfound relationships. Of course, you should marry someone you are excited about, just remember feelings come and go. Look for those characteristics in the other that you will hold on, even when the feelings are not there.

Choose to say “no” to sex before marriage. Do not allow the physical to dominate the process of getting to know each other. When the physical dominates the relationship, it clouds the process of knowing the other important aspects of your potential marriage partner.

Choose a person who shares your values, religious convictions and life goals. Research shows that the more similar people are in their backgrounds, values and life goals, the more likely they are to have a successful marriage.

Take time. As it is said; “Marry in haste, repent at leisure!” Many of life’s best gifts come as serendipity. Many married couples will testify that they found their spouse while going about with normal life. Don’t make finding a marriage partner the sole focus of your life. Pursue your other dreams for life but keep your eyes open.

Do not panic. Some people get into a panic mode. Students in their last year of college get into a panic, young adults get into a panic as they hit 30 and many single ladies get into a panic as they approach those years that make child delivery difficult. Anxiety will colour your judgement and take away your sense of caution, which you always need.
Understand that you can live a fulfilled life as a single person.

It is better to be single than to live in a destructive relationship. Life is bigger than marriage; develop eyes that see the immensity of life.

Consider character. Would you choose an alcoholic to be your surgeon or buy a piece of land for your family house without investigating it first? Why would anyone take a partner for life without seeking to understand a few basics about them?

Character is a very important aspect here. It was Peter DeVries who said: “The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality but we must live with a character.” Therefore, pay attention to character.

For instance, many popular musicians attract the attention of people who know very little about them away from the stage .The papers are full of stories of the short-lived relationships of our national and international stars. As someone said; “A modern girl screams at the sight of a mouse, but climbs into a car with a wolf.”

Shakespeare said, “But love is blind and lovers cannot see the pretty follies that they themselves commit.” Love does not have to be blind; love should be able to see the strength of one’s character and flaws. This is not to say that one must look for a perfect human being for a marriage partner, because there are none on this side of heaven and angels do not marry.

Love chooses the other in spite of their weakness but love does not do it blindly. I recommend four things:

Protect your relationship from being dominated by the physical. It is said that, “Kissing a girl is like opening a bottle of olives - if you get one, the rest come easy.” The physical is always more exciting than the hard work of talking through issues and getting to know each other better.

Date in real life experiences. Most people date by going to special restaurants, beaches, concerts and the like. Real life does not take place in these places. Create opportunities to spend time with your potential marriage partner in the day to day places and events of life. Anyone can keep a smile at a nice banquet, but not many walk through a village garden with blackjack sticking on their trousers without being irritated.

Seek to know the basics about the person. Some key questions to ask are:
What are their dreams? What are their values? What is their spiritual standing and church commitment? What is their family background?
What are their skills? What are their work habits? Is this the person I want to be the father/mother of my children? Do they already have children? How old are they? What is their debt record? What kind of company do they keep? Do they demonstrate royalty to relationships?

Pray about your relationship
Pray and ask others to pray with you about your decision for a spouse. You can begin to pray now even before any potential person comes by. Ultimately, God is in charge of your life and he is interested in your welfare. Hear his counsel to you in Proverbs 3:5-6: Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways, acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.
Having said all that, do not over-calculate: Life is a risk and almost every good venture involves some level of risk. You will not be able to find out everything about your partner but you must at least know the basics.