My wife is refusing to take birth control

My wife and I have been married for eight years and have three children. From the start, we agreed that based on our income, we should have only three children. However, after giving birth to our third child two years ago, I asked her to consult a doctor on the best birth control method but until now, she has not. She says we should only use natural methods (safe days) which I do not find effective at all. In the past six months (when the baby stopped breast-feeding) her periods have not been regular and I find this very risky. What should I do?

James

Dear James,

This must be frustrating for you. However, I would like to let you know that it is common for families to go through some difficult times. Some of the issues might be more difficult to deal with than others. Together with your wife, there are a few things you can consider that might help you work around this issue. It is true that you have previously told your wife to join family planning but you can do the same as well by changing the way the message is delivered.

Have a calm and open conversation with your wife. Try not to be judgmental as you pass on the information. Explain your concerns about the effectiveness of natural family planning methods but try not to be confrontational as you tell her the information.

Remind her of your previous shared goals. Let her know you know that you both agreed on having three children and that you are worried about an unplanned pregnancy. As a couple, explore different birth control methods and choose one you both feel is comfortable.

Remember you might not agree on everything. Respect your wife’s decision but at the same time, express your concerns. I am sure it is the wish of many married people to be able to agree on at least 90 percent of family decisions. However, since you are two different people with very diverse personalities, this might not always be possible.

Consider compromising in some situations. A combination of natural family planning and condoms could be an option until she finds a more suitable method that will take into consideration both her mental and general body health.

Also, seek couple counselling as a couple to enable you talk about this in a safe, neutral environment. Sometimes, as an individual, you may have unspoken reasons for choosing to do things a certain way.

Ultimately, contraception is the responsibility of both partners in the relationship. How your partner responds says a lot about them—and you can decide how you feel about continuing to be intimate with them accordingly

READER ADVICE

Be sure you are done

David Mukisa. Are you completely done with having children, or do you want more in the future? If you are completely finished, one of you should get sterilised. A vasectomy is much less invasive so I would recommend it be you. If you might want more in the future, look into some type of long-term contraceptive for her such as an IUD or a birth control implant.

Educate yourself

Jane Woods. If you are open to religious-based natural family planning I would suggest looking for someone to do NaPro Technology programme. It is a pretty complete natural family planning programme with education on all the different methods of tracking the cycle and understanding fertility, among others. It seems to work alright if you both get on board with it and avoid sex during danger days. However, as with all natural family planning, there is always a risk of a surprise baby, but at least you will know when the risk is less.

Talk to your wife

Elijah Peters. Families come in all shapes and sizes. The key is finding common ground with your partner on the right size for your family. This may involve some challenging conversations. Approaching these talks with an open mind and truly listening to your partner can help you to communicate more effectively.

Why not volunteer?

Onifade Temitope Busayo. You should volunteer to do it, there are family planning methods for men. She may be afraid of the side effects. There is nowhere it is written that only women must go for family planning.

Consider a vasectomy

Mou N Nisha. The fastest, simplest and most effective one for you both without a single side effective method is a vasectomy. Run quickly and do it.

Go for permanent forms

David Kabuye. Permanent forms of birth control comprise vasectomy, where the man’s tubes, referred to as the vas deferens, are cut and/or sealed, so that he does not release sperm when he ejaculates; and tubal ligation, where the woman’s fallopian tubes are cut and/or sealed, so that eggs cannot be fertilised. Both procedures have the highest reliability for pregnancy prevention (behind total abstinence). Though considered permanent, both tubal ligation and vasectomy can be reversed, but it is very costly and not always effective. Doctors recommend that men or women who plan to have these procedures be very sure of their decision.

Help her decide

Phillip Musoke. In most cases, men will force their wives to go for family planning alone, without considering the mental issues that might come with it. Why not be supportive by going to consult several family planning clinics with your wife? Armed with the best information for her mental  welbeing and health, and with your full support, she will be able to make a  decision.

Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation