Customers from hell

Brethren, a few incidents I’ve had have begun to convince me that no, the customer is not always right. The truth is, sometimes the customer is just a bloody nuisance and needs to be sent home with a hefty kick on his/her entitled behind.

Customer from hell number one: They need a service that involves a few processes. You explain this and tell them that you will call back in a week after the processes have been completed. What happens instead is that the customer calls you EVERY SINGLE DAY before the week is over, even when the process is out of your hands. Are they deaf, are they dumb? Are they simply unwell?

Customer from hell number two: They ask to see you. You go to them, ask how you can be of assistance and wait patiently. You are then served with a long lecture on the politics and history of your country, complete with the customer’s opinion on everything and anything current. This kind of customer always lingers long enough for office tea to be served. Malingerers!
Customer from hell number three: They come in raging. They claim they got only two out of three of the items they purchased from you. You apologise and ask for the receipt. They don’t have one. The catch? THIS PURCHASE WAS MADE TWO YEARS AGO.

Customer from hell number four: To explain this one, I work in a publishing firm. One of my tasks is evaluating manuscripts. There is a set procedure for doing so. You tell someone that it will take six weeks to evaluate their manuscript. They call your boss after two days and complain that they have not been assisted.

Your boss is clever and wants to avoid a headache, so refers the client back to you. The curious thing is that this only happens with the authors of terrible, hopeless manuscripts that will never see the light of day.

Sometimes, if I’m terribly unlucky, this kind of client also bears characteristics of the Customer from hell number two. Getting them out of your life becomes a Project.
Who shall protect us from the customer?