Dear Facebook friend

I remember you from our schooldays. Those merciless days of incarceration, when we longed for freedom to do simple things like sleep, eat normal weevil-free food and smile from time to time.

Now we have achieved those simple dreams and are both busy working people, you and I. We have not met for many years but thanks to Facebook, I am pretty much up-to-date on your life.

I must confess I have never been much of a fan of social media. You, on the other hand, have embraced it with the grip of a python.

Thank you for updating photos of your good self every day, just in case those of us with unreliable memories forget. I see you have discovered make-up. Congratulations.
I notice too, that you embarked on a successful weight-loss journey after the birth of your daughter. Well done, hashtag team no potbellies.

Perhaps I am merely old-fashioned, but I feel rather discomfited by your seductive poses. Not that I am in any danger of being seduced, ha ha, but last I saw, weren’t you married?

What does your husband think of you thrusting out your chest, lips and behind for the entire internet to see? Who exactly are you posing for? Pardon me for intruding but now that I am part of your online life, I feel I have every right to weigh in.

Thank you too for involving me and your other Facebook friends in your busy social life. We have been with you to various swanky restaurants around the city, drooled over the savoury delights on your plate, wished you well on your night-time rendezvous with ‘the girls’) and ‘aaaawed’ at photos of you and your family spending quality time (as recorded on your smartphone) together. It must be so much work, having to record and upload every moment for posterity.

I admire your dedication to the task. If that is the same amount of dedication you apply to all areas of your life then you must be an outstanding wife, mother, employee and all-round human being.

Until tomorrow, old friend, when you post your daily morning selfie. So long!