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My friend’s husband impregnated someone

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Posted  Sunday, December 8  2013 at  02:00
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Dear counsellor,
I recently discovered from mutual friends that the fiancé of one of our good friends got someone else pregnant. This lady was one he had previously had an affair with but denied to her face yet there was evidence. I’m very confused about whether to tell her or not.

In the past, I have told her about his affairs but much as she has appreciated it, she has never really done anything to resolve their problems. She complains about the relationship but has failed to leave despite being able to take care of herself and their five- year- old son.

In my view the relationship is not worth as they live five hours apart and he only visits occasionally and they are not that intimate.

Please advise me on what I should do. I really want her to be happy and for now he is only making her miserable.

Concerned Joan

YOUR TAKE
Be respectful of the man. If that friend of yours has always complained about her man’s behavior, she better watch her back. Friends are meant to care but also do not break her heart by breaking the unpleasant news soon. During conversation, give her scenarios of what if such a thing happened . How would she react. If she shows negative reactions, just give her space and do not disclose that. In some cases, such people could think you are up to something to do with their husband. Janet, MUK

Tell her: Most times to prove your friendship to someone, you need to be there for them always. So in good times and bad times, be there for her-take her out for a date and discuss family –related matters. Thereafter, tell her about her husband . Yes, she shall be hurt and cry but it is healthy to let her in on the matter. Cheers.
Let him be: The fact that the two met and had an affair without your knowledge, just let the woman go ahead and carry her baby. If your approaches you for advice, tell her your mind. But do not give her ill advice. In that case, if she responds bitterly do not go ahead and involve yourself in her life. Each day won’t be easy, but keep the overall focus in mind- to mind about her business a lot. Keep the friendship strong and listen to her.

COUNSELLOR'S TAKE
Dear Joan
Thank you so much for the concern you have for your friend. However, looking at this case, I think you can only go as far as a certain point. I know your friend might be going through such challenges as you have observed, but she may not be interested to hear everything about what her fiancé does. It is possible that she may have made up her mind that he is the one she loves, and possibly still hopes that her fiancé may change.
As you are aware that change is gradual. She may even be prepared to live with all his short comings. It would be very helpful if your friend is involved in dealing with her issues as for sure you may not always be there to feed her with information. The best you can do for her is get her empowered so that she can handle issues herself. It is likely that she may even be aware of what is happening/happened but maybe she is taking her time while waiting to hear it from the fiancé.
Remember he has not yet told her about all these things. She is the only one who can handle the situation better by seeking an audience with her fiancé and discuss the issues. This is her relationship. You might try to help and later become the bad element therein. The best you can do is to give her information if necessary but the final decision is hers.
Thanks.

Uncle Joe
Counselling Psychologist