How to get along with your in-laws

You may have the best relationship with your partner, but how you relate with his parents can have lasting effects on your union. Being a daughter-in-law has proved trickier for most newlyweds.
According to Stanley Mubiru, a marriage counsellor in Mukono District, it is vital for one to form a bond with a partner’s parents.
“Though some in-laws are not easy to bond with, it should be every one’s goal to have a good relationship with their in-laws, because it will greatly contribute to the success of your relationship with your partner,” he says. Mubiru adds that a number of marriages have been wrecked because of poor relationships between in-laws.

“There are many women who seek counselling because of their relationship with their in-laws and it is unfortunate that some of them fail to cope with them and they break up with their partners in the long run,” he notes.
However, Ssenga Amina Nantume, a counsellor, says in-laws are a crucial part in your spouse’s life which makes them a crucial part of your life as well.
“I know it’s not easy for most women to balance their needs with the needs of the entire family, but creating family harmony is something which is worth the effort,” she says. Below are some helpful tips.

Get to know them
Joviah Nyakwera, a married woman with three children says the best way to link up with in-laws is to get to know them well. “Most people have failed to connect with their in-laws because they don’t take time to learn about them. Once you get used to someone, it becomes easier to deal with them,” she says.
She adds that couples should not limit time spent with in-laws to only holidays. “Spend time with them socially on occasions, and get acquainted with them. This is especially important if you are a woman, because caring for your husband’s parents shows him that you care for him too, she added.

Know your limits
Let your in-laws know that you want a loving relationship with them, but set some boundaries. Just because they are your partner’s parents doesn’t mean you should tell them everything.
According to Ssenga Nantume, exposing too much to your in-laws may not be a very good idea.
“There is some information which you should keep to yourself, least you risk breaking your marriage, for instance, past relations should be something that you don’t discuss with your in-laws because they may interpret it differently,” she says.

Maintain a careful distance
Ssenga Nantume also advises couples to minimise the roles played by in-laws in their homes. “Those of you with children, don’t let in-laws use their desire to visit your children as a way to invade your life, and don’t encourage them to criticise your parenting skills.” She however, says that one should do that with caution.

Keep things cordial
Mubiru cautions women to be sensitive with the words they use when interacting with in-laws.
“Don’t insult your in-laws, even behind their backs, if you have an issue with them, talk reasonably to your partner, even if your spouse complains about their parents, stay quiet no one likes having their parents attacked,” he says.

Put your relationship first
Mubiru also advises partners to defend their relationship against outside threats even if that means your in-laws.
“ I meet so many couples whose anger stems from one or both partners feeling undefended: “He lets his mother walk all over me!” “She never stands up to her father, or stands up for me!” If this kind of behaviour persists, it can poison a marriage. Instead, make it clear that you expect your spouse to defend you without lashing out or being passive-aggressive,” he advises.
He adds that partners should always bear in mind that they married their spouses, not their parents but he advises partners to be tolerant for the few days that the in-laws visit so as to forge realistic bonds.

One on one
According to Ssenga Nantume, some women do not communicate directly to their in-laws but express their disagreements to their spouses.
“Whenever possible, avoid communicating through a third party. Don’t ask your spouse to talk to his sister about something she did that hurt your feelings talk to your sister-in-law directly,” she says. Nantume says if something bothers you, address it as soon as possible.

Quick ways to fix things

Attend special occasions

Don’t skip out family reunions or other special occasions because you want to avoid your in-laws.

Invite them over for dinner
Make it a point to invite your in-laws over for dinner or lunch if they live close by. Plan dinner dates at least on a quarterly basis.

Touch base on the phone
Call your in-laws every once in a while, especially if they live in another area. Just placing the call will do a lot for maintaining a healthy relationship

Listen to their advice
Your in-laws may want to be helpful, and offer relationship or parenting advice from time to time. Honor them by listening to them this though doesn’t mean that you have to follow the advice, especially if it conflicts with your ethics and values.

Give your children Time with Your In-Laws
Don’t isolate your children from them, unless there’s justification for doing so. Share them with your in-laws when they’re in town or when they come over.

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