Heart to Heart

Is it true the beautiful ones are unlucky with marriage?

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By Mike Ssegawa

Posted  Thursday, February 6  2014 at  02:00
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Do you believe marriage eludes the pretty ones? Your mind must be rolling: “They are proud, loose, hard to satisfy, lazy and good for nothing,” – and on the stereotypes go.
There are even traditional prejudices victimising the beauties. In my mother tongue, beautiful girls are likened to roses that grow on the roadside. Word has it that every passerby plucks them. Another is a song – nfunda n’omubi ng’azaala, ng’alima, ng’ayaniriza nabagenyi (I would rather marry an ugly woman who bears children, tills the farm and is warm to visitors). The connotation is that pretty women are not necessarily good mothers, don’t want to get their hands dirty and are so proud, they scare away visitors.

For that matter, some men would rather keep away from marrying strikingly pretty women to avoid heartaches.
Jackson, a Facebook friend, posted the other day: “To marry a pretty woman is to have pollen in your home. Every man wants a piece of her.” He cheekily added that he would rather hit and run on a pretty one than marry her.
There are many Jacksons out there. But what is wrong with them?

Pretty or not – your fears are baseless. They are just a combination of fantasy and insecurities.
To put your fears in perspective, men fear beautiful girls because they think it is not only their eyes seeing her. They think other men are likely to snatch her away some day. This negative mindset is one reason many pretty women are unmarried, well into their mid-30s and beyond. Yet every man they meet reminds them how beautiful they are. Hypocrites!
If you are thinking that beauty and cheating go hand in hand, let’s talk.

It all comes down to us, men. It is not a woman’s problem that she is gorgeous. It is not her problem that men hit on her. So, why make her life miserable?
Halima is the kind of girl who turns heads even when she wears a hijab. I swear I have never seen her not covered head to toe. Her eyes, nose, lips, and curves, stand out and any man with testosterone running through his veins can see something going on with this girl.

I know four men who wanted a piece of Halima. John, a TV personality, employed his fame, Habib and Mark, the businessmen, splashed their money. Yusuf, a secondary school teacher, had two things about him; he was Muslim and humble. He won her heart.
Unfortunately, Yusuf never felt he deserved such a beauty. Soon after they were married, he noticed that men paid attention to his wife. Some offered her lifts when she was going to town and made an effort to say hi. He became paranoid.

“You are cheating on me,” he said, “Because I cannot buy you a car, you are admiring men with cars.”
Halima swore by her grandfather’s grave that she had no interest in any other men: “I love you the way you are, Yusuf,” she assured a stone-faced Yusuf. “We are okay. If I wanted cars, I wouldn’t be with you.”

Yusuf didn’t stop, neither did the men stop admiring Halima. She couldn’t do a thing about it. Family meetings became more regular than bedroom sessions.
One day, Halima walked out on Yusuf. After several months of nursing her brutalised self-esteem, she did the unthinkable. She married Lawrence. Lawrence is a man who loves to flaunt his prizes. For him, Halima was God sent. The two even laugh about it when they see a man falling over to whisper a word in her ear.

Lawrence has given her the freedom to meet her friends and she runs her own business. They have no problems.
The bottom line is – much of what we think of our partners is a creation in our mind. It is not therefore true that one’s appearance shapes their character. When we become suspicious of our partners, we push them to the limits.
Yusuf lost a girl because of his insecurities. I can say, Lawrence was the hyena who eats the game the lion has killed, but, he knows the pillars of a relationship: trust and respect.

mssegawa@ke.nationmedia.com