Would you get relationship advice from your ex-partner?

It is believed that exes cannot be friends but what evil would there be in seeking advice from someone from the past (an ex)?
Sophie Mutesi, 34, is a staunch believer in her ex. The duo separated after five years of courtship and she believes he knows her in and out, a character that places him in a privileged position of offering much needed counsel each time she has problems with her husband.
“I am friends with my ex. I believe he knows what is good for me and what is not, plus my weaknesses and strengths. His advice has kept my family together in times when I am about to quit. Isn’t that what friends are meant for?—to encourage each other and keep tabs on what is happening in each other’s lives. I must say I prefer sharing my marital grievances with my ex than friends because they are quick to judge and my ex always reassures me everything will be aright and he seems to have a solution to every problem,” Mutesi narrates, in a rather definite tone.

Views
According to counsellors, relationships that end on the ‘we can still be friends’ note are likely to have parties (exes) running back to each other for advice. Such people find themselves sharing marital or relationship concerns with their exes because they trust them and believe they play friends role better in their lives.
But Derrick Mooli, a social worker may have crossed boundaries by confiding in another’s man’s wife.
He shares: I am currently facing problems finding someone to settle down with. Each time I found someone new, I had to consult my ex if she thought the ‘new catch’ was my match and gave me ideas on what presents I had to surprise my women with or what kind of party to throw for them. It was all good until her husband discovered our relationship and began sending me threats. He could not come to terms with our friendship.”

Exes belong to the past
Some people believe an ex should be totally left out of one’s life. Sarah Bafumba, a social worker, says there is no need to create space for an ex in one’s life. “Instead of seeking advice from an ex, one should confide in friends, either directly or indirectly. If you ask your ex, it would seem like you are not comfortable with the person you are with. Secondly, it would show that you have space for him. Chances are that if he is still interested in you, he might give you wrong advice which might destroy your relationship and he will be the first eagle to snatch you,” she advises.

Bafumba adds that when someone is an ex, communication should be limited to general conversations and not personal lives because this may ruin your current relationship.
That said, marital and relationship experts believe exes can be home or relationship builders and breakers as well. Therefore, mastering their behaviour and knowing their agenda is key in seeking constructive advice. In the absence of boundaries, let them be!

Counsellor’s take
Sometimes, according to Hilda Bahati, an ex will know you better and have a better understanding of the opposite sex.
Bahati, the Life and relationships coach and founder of Life Fix says there is no evil in seeking advice from an ex, but first things first. “One; take time to heal and establish a proper and clear channel of friendship. Secondly, make sure you have no intentions of getting back together to ensure the advice is objective. Lastly, you remain with the right to make final decisions even after the advice has been given”.
Denis Mubogi, a counsellor also notes that remaining friends with your ex to an extent of sharing ideas or seeking advice is workable, but only on a defined understanding. It also depends on the magnitude of the problem. Otherwise it is dangerous as it is unlikely going to be honest advice. It is what they call a ‘cover up’.

“In other words, you must have drawn a line between your past sentiments and your present,” Mubogi notes, cautioning that failure to do so will bring in mixed feelings making parties to give wrong judgement while offering advice.
But Emmanuel Mbabazi, a counselling specialist, believes there are exes who may be biased or give wrong advice. “Not everyone has the right motives or your happiness at heart. There are exes who are jealousy and if you have issues in marriage or in a relationship and confide in them, they may make a mountain out of a molehill and send you packing or ending your relationship,” he cautions.

Mbabazi notes that in case one has ascertained that their exes have their interests at heart (which is rare), and have cultivated a healthy relationship with boundaries, they can go ahead and seek advice. Should there be any sentiments, one will cause you to kiss your relationship goodbye, supposedly because he does not want to see you suffer—an excuse that most exes always present.
“Personally, I have an ex I talk to and she is always available to offer constructive advice. Your ex is supposed to be a friend because you shared a lot and opened up to each other before, regardless of the circumstances underlying your break-up,” he shares.

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