The Luswatas: juggling distance in marriage

His story >

What is your definition of love?
I do not think I can honestly have a definitive answer to that but I believe that love is about understanding. Without understanding, it can’t hold water. I am a married man and I understand what it means to keep love afloat; Understanding, appreciation, acceptance and celebration.

How did you meet your wife?
We met while working at Makutano Junction, where she was the production manager.

How did the chemistry happen?
I don’t know. I guess I saw her and she responded. I do not think in our case it was serious courtship. It was an immediate connection. I think we are meant to be friends. Beyond that, I do not know how people get wives but I got mine through mutual acceptance. It required minor pursuing. It was almost instant.

When you looked at her the first time, what came to your mind?
I just thought we were going to be close.

What convinced you so?
I looked at her and to us artistes, if you are really honest, you operate at a very spiritual level and you can tell who will be helpful to you. You just see friendship. It is very innocent and gives itself away. You can always notice it. Probably some people lose out on opportunities by not reacting to friendship. But I did react to the friendship.
How?
I pursued the friendship. I kept checking on her and sending her a rose whenever I could.

What was her reaction?
She was positive. Ours was an organic friendship. Down the road we had our first child and stuck together.

Had you had a child before you met her?
Yes, Victoria Nanziri.

How did she react to that?
For me, my children are always at the forefront. In my life, I always talk about my children, so from the onset I told her that I had a child. So our relationship was based on the fact that I was coming with baggage.

What was her reaction?
There was never a reaction, honestly. She accepted me. She is now good friends with my daughter who is now in Senior One.

At what point did you decide to put a ring on her finger?
I did not marry my wife out of panic, which some people do for fear of losing their partner. My wife and I were really meant to be. We quarrel like anyone else and hate each other. We think of all those bad things that people think about but deep down, we get the feeling that it is still the same person. I think it also came naturally. If you have a child, you want the child to identify their parents and that is by becoming one. I view it as security for my children.

Where was your wedding?
My wedding was at St. Paul’s Cathedral, Namirembe, and we held our reception at Springs Gardens in Munyonyo.

What do you remember about your wedding day?
I like parties a lot, but the moment I remember vividly was when we were exchanging rings. It was very emotional for both of us.

Why?
I am an emotional person. Our friends had come on a bus. Other than that, the rest is what I expected.

At what time did you sleep that night?
I can’t remember, because there were many friends from Kenya and people I had not seen here in a very long time. So, considering all the people that came, we stayed up really late. The hotel we were staying in after the wedding night was Sir Jose, near the reception venue, so we partied until late. My wife and I party together frequently so it was not strange for us to party late.

What is a long distance relationship like?
I do not think I am in a long distance relationship. I am in a normal relationship. The idea is to be in touch. There are married people who stay together but never meet each other. I might be seeing my wife more frequently than others who live in the same house. We have accepted our circumstances and we are happy with where we are. Maybe the only thing is the bus ride that is quite long but it is okay.

How much travel do you do for this relationship?
If I have money, I can travel every weekend. If I don’t, at least twice a month.

Has she complained about this at all?
Of course she does if I say I am coming and I do not go. For example, a certain weekend last month I was supposed to go but I had a show and it was frustrating for her and the children but we have got used to the arrangement. When she can come, she comes and when I can go, I go. The children at times come to catch up with the times I have been away. We try to balance.

Don’t you miss her because twice a month is not often enough?
Of course, I do. But I get used and I have been doing it since 2007 when she was still my girlfriend. It is constant, although with the nature of my work, it keeps me distracted. I have so much to distract me. When I want to rest, I go to Nairobi.

Do you have a home here and a home there?
Yes. All are fully furnished for the family. When the children come here, they are at home the way they are while in Nairobi.

What do you miss most about her?
I miss her wholesomely because she is my friend. I miss my friend. The little fights that we have, keep the relationship burning because I get to know what she is thinking and she also gets to know what I am thinking.

So friendship is important in a relationship...
Friendship is the most important thing in a relationship and it is even more important than love because friendship is understanding, it is not selfish. And you need to appreciate what it carries. Friends try to maintain their friendship even for the sake of the other people around them.

What is the biggest challenge that has come between you as a couple?
Distance. Only distance.

How much acceptance did you get from her family?
Well, a lot because we had been friends before and I used to go to her home freely. When I met her sister, because they used to share a house, I would visit their place a lot. Her elder sister Stella is my friend and getting accepted was easy because I was already her friend long before the marriage.

What message do you have for her?
For my wife? Well, other than saying I love her, I would like to thank her for hanging in with the children, especially with this distance, being the one to handle the children all the time, and juggle with work. It is not easy. I appreciate and understand her efforts.

Her story >

What was your first impression when you saw Phillip?
I thought he was a cool guy, funny, very spontaneous and I was in love with his eyes. Oh, and he had a head full of hair back then. He was quite different. There was something about him that just stood out.

What is Philip like as a person?
He is very shy, which was a shocker considering when you see him on stage he does incredible stuff. In fact, I remember before we got married, every time we would visit my folks, he would hold my hand the whole time as if his life depended on it.
I later learnt that he used to do that so that I do not walk away and leave him there with them alone, especially my dad. But right now, they are best of pals. I have also learnt that if he believes in something, it does not matter what anyone else thinks or says, he will pursue it.

Did you ever imagine he would become your soulmate?
As weird or cliché as it might sound, the first time I saw him I knew he would be my husband. This was despite the fact that we were both in relationships at the time.

How would you describe him?
He is a go-getter and doer. He is very passionate about what he goes out to do and always gives it his best. Phillip is a very good father, loving, caring and he is a romantic freak. He does and says things when I least expect it and he has been my pillar all through our marriage and friendship.

At what point did you realise he was heading for your heart, mind and soul?
Apparently, everyone around us could tell apart from me. We would spend a lot of evenings talking, laughing and occasionally drinking. I realised that I actually liked him.
By this time, I was single because though we met in 2005, we first became friends and I remember I would go to him with my worries and he would give me a shoulder to lean on. From the look of things, the shoulder became too comfortable that I am still leaning on it.

What do you remember most vividly about your wedding day?
Philip pressing my hands with every sentence of the vows - it was more like an assurance that he means them. Then seeing a whole lot of my childhood friends and colleagues who came to Uganda, from all over and in particular a high school friend called Carol who came all the way from the UK to attend our wedding.
Both my parents walking me down the aisle...the list is endless. I was not worried about what had not been done so I was out to enjoy the day.
What is your definition of love?
Love is a moment.

What does it mean to be in a long-distance relationship?
It’s very challenging. If I had a choice, we would live together. I can deal with it, but the children get confused at times, although what we do is that when they close school, we send them over to Uganda so that they familiarise themselves with the country.
In fact nowadays, they are the ones who remind us about their closing dates. We also ensure that we do at least one holiday away as a family, usually December as we are both less busy. It can really get lonely. At times I just want to get home and see my husband there. I do not necessarily have to say something but just to know he is there. It gives some sense of security.

… what more challenges does it present?
At times I need Philip’s urgent input on issues, so I have to do it alone. At times, when I have a crazy day at work I need to just get home to someone and offload my issues to them, but he is not there physically. At times there can be miscommunication as you can imagine most of it is through phone conversation or text messages.

How often do you see each other?
We try as much to see each other as often as possible, but it also depends on the projects we are working on individually – we are in the same industry. He seems to be more flexible so at times he comes weekly or every two weeks and at times a month can pass by, and I also try and come over whenever I get some time off work.

What was it like when you started out in this relationship?
I remember initially I would cry when I dropped him off. I am sure he never used to understand because he would be so confused. We would get separation anxiety. Now we just have to cope.

What does it mean running a home and the children while he is away?
It is the hardest thing ever, especially because I am also in school so I attend evening classes, but I will be finishing in April. I wonder how single parents do it. I have a different level of respect for them.
I have to be there in the evening to check and correct homework, attend school events alone, be their cool friend and entertain them. I never have rest days because when I am not at work, I am home with the children and at their age, they do not understand that mummy needs to rest.

What is it like when he is home?
I get a breather since the children will be all over him. Usually, it will be weekends so we at least get to spend time together with the children during the day and later in the evening catch up with his Kenyan boys over a drink.

What does Phillip like generally?
He likes having fun, whether with the family or friends.

What has it taken for you to make your marriage work?
Communication, commitment and friendship have been the driving force.

What relationship advice can you share with people out there?
There is no relationship that is perfect. There are a lot of sacrifices to be made, especially if you want it to work. There is compromise, giving away a bit of yourself to gain something better, but the love, respect and understanding between the two of you is the key factor.

What special things does your husband do that you love a lot?
He calls me in the middle of the night to tell me he loves me, or sends a message just saying “I love you” or “I miss my wife” – you can imagine getting such in the middle of a meeting at work or when you are having a hard day. He does this very randomly. In addition to that, he can actually go to the market for groceries while I have my hair and nails done and not complain about it.

What are your top five love songs of all time?
Let’s get it on by Marvin Gaye, Vows go unbroken by Kenny Rogers, Higher Love by Steve Winwood, When a man loves a woman by Michael Bolton and Sweet Love by Anita Baker.

How do you handle disagreements as a couple?
It depends on the disagreement. We are learning over time that at times, all it takes is to apologise and admit that you are wrong, other than having a lot of back and forth yet it is clear.
However, this does not mean that we do not express ourselves. We also try and resolve issues as they come, considering we are in a long distance relationship, and in case it happens when we are apart, I prefer waiting for a time we will be together then handle it.

How important is the friendship you have?
It is very important. A friend is someone you run to when you really need someone to be there for you, whether in times of happiness as you are sure they will celebrate with you, or in times of sadness, when they will cry with you. Philip is my friend.

What is your message to Phillip?
Philip, for the two of us, home is not a place, it is a person. We are finally home. I will be glad to hear from you.