Would you date some one who has children?

Is there a problem with dating someone who has children?
There is absolutely no problem. It is a normal thing. In case the man’s previous relationship did not work out and he happens to meet someone else he loves and thinks will be a great mother to his child, then he should go ahead. A child should never be an obstacle in the way two adults relate. Besides, there are many other factors out there that may prompt a man with children to look for another partner.

Factors such as…
Divorce. When the man has separated with the mother of the child and takes full custody. Sometimes you may find that the child has lost his or her mother and this pushes the father to find another great mother figure for the child.

What if the man has several children and not just one?
Even if they are more than 20, the fact remains that they are all your children and it is only fair that you tell your partner about all of them.

What do you think of men who set terms and conditions on how the woman should relate with her other child?
It is unfair for the woman. Men should let women relate with their child the way they feel like.

What if a man discovers only in the course of their relationship that the woman has another child?
Talk to your woman. Let her tell you everything concerning this child before making the next step.

What if she denies the child?
The truth eventually comes out. But what I know about most women is that they rarely deny their own children. She would rather struggle to raise the child by herself rather than stay with a man who distastes the child.

What if the woman’s child does not like the man?
If the child does not like you, do not distaste them. Love them as if they were your own. Eventually, they will like you.

How many children do you have by the way?
I have four. The eldest is a girl aged 18. I got her when I was completing my university. I am not with her mother anymore. She moved on and is happily married. The girl is under the care of my wife, Mariam Kazibwe and I. The children I have with Mariam are aged 14, 11 and six.

How did Mariam get to know about your 18-year-old daughter?
It was one of the first things I told her when we were getting into a relationship.

And what was her reaction when you told her?
She was very understanding and okay with her (my daughter) living with us.

How do they relate now?
Their relationship is like that of a mother and daughter. They are good friends.

Is there any issue dating someone who already has children?
Many people in Uganda have children before they get married, especially the men. They usually have a child somewhere. So, it creates issues because many times the child you find in a home takes a while to accept you. I must say, 90 per cent of those children, by the way, do not accept their new mother. The children just tolerate the situation at hand because they have nothing to do. So, it is an uphill task for the woman if the child is for the man. It is just too much work.

Does it get worse if the children are older?
Yes, it is. Those are the worst ones to deal with because the little ones might miss motherly love and cling to you for it. But the older ones do not really care. They usually feel like they own their father. So, when you join the family, it is like you are taking away his attention from them. That is a big battle.

What advice would you give to a woman in such a situation?
The woman has to really be patient and show them that she is not the enemy. Try to fit in and not rock the boat so hard. Walking into the home, changing things around and putting your stamp onto the home is likely to cause chaos. The children might start asking questions such as “dad used to dress or behave this way, why are you trying to change him?”
A woman coming into the home and changing the status quo can turn out to be such a complicated issue. When you move into that home, try to understand where the family is coming from and how they do things. And while doing that, try to fit in.

What if fitting in does not work out?
The best case scenario would be for the man to have a separate home for him and his wife and leave the children in their mother’s home and visit them whenever he feels like. The only way of having peace is not being in the same environment.

How about if the man insists that the children from the other woman stay with him?
It all depends on how those children were raised. If they respect their father, then, they will respect his wishes. If the children are disrespectful, then, the woman has to find a way of handling them.
I have heard of women who have moved into such homes, cracked their whip and said, “I am here to stay. I am married to your father and you just have to deal with it.” But not every woman is that strong, some break down and eventually walk out of the relationship.

What if a woman discovers that the man has a child in the course of the relationship?
That is breach of trust. If a man can hide something as important as that, he could be hiding other vital secrets. The best thing a woman can do is talk to the man to find a way forward. However, some women are faint-hearted and will just walk out of the relationship.

The biggest mistake that women make when dealing with the other child is…
Isolating and treating them as if they are nobodies. You need to make that child part of your life. Love them as if they were your own offspring.

Have you been involved with someone who has a child before?
Yes, I think that was about a decade ago. They were separated and the child was under his care.

How did you find out about the child?
He told me during the initial stages of our relationship and I later met the boy. He was only two years old.
What was your reaction when he told you about this child?
I was receptive of him and eventually accepted him into our lives.

Are you still relating with this child?
No. When I broke up with the man, he took his child as well.

IT IS SELFISH TO TELL A MAN HOW TO RELATE WITH HIS CHILD

Should a woman tell a man about a child she has had from a previous relationship?
Why not? A woman should not be embarrassed. Many women, however, tend to keep such things secret because they think that the man might perceive them as too old.

What can a woman do in instances that a child from a man’s previous relationship does not like her?
Just give them time.

How about in instances where this child is a teenager or an adult?
It is important that the woman does not meddle in their business. Do whatever you think is right, but do not push them to levels that may force them to make your life hell.

What if it gets to a point where the woman cannot tolerate the child’s behaviour?
The father can then intervene to resolve whatever problem might be between the woman and child. On the other hand, if the woman feels like she cannot take it anymore, she has the right to walk out of the relationship.

How about women who set terms on how the man should relate with his other child?
I find that selfish and immature. Why should anyone dictate the way you interact with your child?

What mistake do you think women make when dealing with the other child?
Taking out their frustration on the child for their father’s mistakes.

What if a woman discovers a man has another child in the course of their relationship. What should she do?
The best thing to do is hold a roundtable discussion with the man. Ask this man anything you have heard about the other child.

What if he denies the child?
If your instinct is telling you that he is the father, demand a DNA test. It becomes tricky, however, if the child is an adult. If they do not want to do the DNA test, you cannot easily coerce them into doing it.

Brenda Nanyonjo, organiser, Miss Uganda Beauty Pageant

WOULD YOU DATE SOMEONE WHO HAS CHILDREN?

“It depends on the number of children and my economic status. For instance, if I have enough money, I cannot fail to look after one or two children including their mother,”
John Otim, journalist

“No, I cannot, because the father of her children may harm me at any time. It is not very common to find men who quit their partners for good,”
Brian Kivumbi, Engineer

“No, I cannot because the children might be bad mannered and if I punish them, their mother may think I hate her children,”
Ali Balinda, church office administrator

“Definitely, I cannot because it is very difficult to raise children who are not biologically yours. Every time you caution them, they perceive it in a wrong way,”
Dennis Mpendo, teacher

WOULD YOU DATE SOMEONE WHO HAS CHILDREN?

“It depends on the children’s age. Some men father children while still in school. But if the children are young, I cannot date the person because there could be a strange reason that compelled the first spouse to abandon her children,”
Catherine Atuhaire, businesswoman

“I cannot marry a man who has children because I do not know what took the first wife. The wife could have gone because of his intolerable behaviour,”
Branda Nantale, businesswoman

“I would marry a man with children only when he has enough money to look after the children and I. If the man does not have enough money, his children may complain that I have compromised their life,”
Hirat Nayumbwe, housewife

“I believe if a woman really loved the man, children cannot chicken her out. However, on my side, I prefer being the first wife in the man’s life,”
Fauzio Kafuko, IT officer

Compiled by Joseph Kato