You should worry if your spouse hides to receive calls

What you need to know:

Secrets. If you are in a relationship and each time your partner gets a call, they walk away and lock themselves up in another room, then you have reason to worry.

Joachim* recently spent a night at one of the police stations in Kampala for assaulting the mother of his four-year-old boy. The conflict ignited when his wife hid in the toilet to receive a phone call.

Joachim alleges that his wife had spent three months receiving secret calls something that always irritated him. For the first, second and third time, he kept his anger under check.

“On the fourth time, I asked her why she was hiding to receive phone calls. She told me that our child makes noise that interferes with her calls.”

Although Joachim was angry, his wife apologised and promised never to repeat what she described as a mistake. The promise lasted for only two weeks before the unsuspecting wife repeated the same mistake.
“I heard murmurs in the washrooms and went and stood outside the door. I heard her speaking on the phone. Out of anger, I beat her up. I ask for forgiveness and promise never to beat her again,” the teary Joachim said as he was being guided into the cells.

Jealousy fit
Deo Kitone, a taxi driver on Ggaba Road, applauds Joachim for being patient for all that time saying had it been him, he would have exploded the first time it happened.

“I cannot watch as my wife is hiding to make or receive calls. I would beat up her if she failed to give a satisfying reason. Hiding to make calls means she is cheating on me,” Kitone argues.
But Steven Kayemba, a technician, differs from Kitone’s argument saying he would sit his wife down and ask her why she hides to make calls.

“I prefer diplomacy. I don’t like handling issues abruptly. It could be confidential woman to woman conversations. Sitting her down would make me get the truth,” Kayemba stresses.

Psychologist view point
Dorothy Kebirungi, a counselling psychologist at Infectious Disease Institute, says the reasons that could make a spouse hide while making calls range from arrogance, bossiness, blaming your spouse for every mistake, not listening, jealousy, gossip and negativity on her actions, among others. Such reasons, she says makes the spouse to see no value in the relationship and thus more of a stranger in a home.

Kebirungi says arrogance is an unpleasant behaviour where one spouse believes is better the other. Such a partner enjoys putting the other down in order to boost their own confidence. “Your spouse often feels offended by your egoistical behaviour and chooses not to deal with you.”

She also says bossy spouses who are inconsiderate of their partner’s feelings and needs can force them to become discrete on issues such as phone calls. “You should know no one likes to be bossed around.”
Edward Sserwadda, a youth pastor and counsellor, also says partners should pay attention to their partner’s needs. He says partners should not focus on telling their spouse what you want and need but should listen to what a spouse says.
“When you neglect what your spouse says by assuming you already know what they are talking about, you will make them lose trust and respect for you. This might cause a misunderstanding between you,” Sserwadda says adding, “Listening is crucial in order to understand what is being said, get the conversation going, and to get things done properly.”

Being overly jealous could make your spouse hide while making calls. Too much jealousy makes one think their spouse is cheating. Spouses should be confident that the person they chose knows what they want.
As Sserwadda observes, complaining and ranting is one of the attributes that could rub your spouse the wrong way. Try to avoid blaming your partner for misfortunes that happen to you. “Sometimes your partner may decide to do things secretively if you are always looking out for the negatives.”
Kebirungi, however, advises spouses that doing what gives them peace even if it hinders and affects their spouse inconveniences them. “Although everyone has the freedom to do as they please, one should make sure their actions do not affect your spouse unfairly.”

Infidelity breeds Murder
In September 2015, police in Masindi District arrested a 23-year-old man for allegedly killing his 88-year-old lover. Probable information showed that the latter had been accusing the former of cheating on him. The gruesome incident happened in Rwemigari village, Kigulya Parish, Mirya Sub-county in Masindi District. The deceased was identified as Olica Nyamundu and was found lying in a pool of blood in her house.

Advice: How to help a spouse who hides to make calls

Commitment.
Kebirungi says one can help a spouse locked in making secret calls through being committed to them. If your commitment is uncontested, your spouse’s behaviour could change.

Assessment.
You need to do a self-assessment on how you manage your home. If you are not a good parent, wife or husband, it may create suspicion in your home. The members feel uncomfortable and treat you like a stranger.

Talk.
Couple are encouraged to understanding each other’s traits and find the possible solutions early enough. In your marriage, it is helpful to set a specific time to talk, so that you can both gather thoughts and plan what you want to say in advance. Sometimes you even write down your feelings to be able to communicate with your spouse better. “Sharing your heart with an honest friend, counsellor or church staff will help you get an unbiased opinion and hopefully truthful counsel,” she says.

Create time.
Kebirungi says sometimes in the midst of issues or seasons of distance, spouses need to reconnect and spend quality time together. There is nothing like laughter and fun to mend a hurting heart and reunite two spirits, even if it is forced and a little awkward at first.

Take a break.
Taking a break from the tension will help foster an environment of security and trust in uncertain times. “It is always refreshing when that old spark comes back and you realise just how committed you are to your spouse. So when your spouse stops feeling like a stranger, know that there is hope and you can go on to have a happy and healthy marriage,” Kebirungi says adding, that whether you enjoy a night on the town or in the comfort of your own home, make a point to talk, laugh, and enjoy each other.