We are done with induction. I had never imagined that, of all things, we would be subjected to hours of a one Charles Ocici talking about personal finance management and such things. I don’t remember much of what he was talking, but he said something like “ordinary citizens view MP as ‘Money Person’, but they also wait for you to become a Miserable Person.” I caught on that because it made for reality.
I met Buikwe South MP Mutebi at the sidelines of the seminar and we were joking about the finance issues when he said with more seriousness that, indeed, three years from now, we will be borrowing from each other and even failing to pay back.
“Why don’t we use the WhatsApp group to brainstorm further on the debt and money issues,” said Dokolo North MP Amoru.
Mutebi took the bait rather fast.
Mutebi: Miserable Persons.
Amoru: Yes, how do we avoid morphing into such neologism?
Abiriga: Who are the miserable persons and what is ‘neocologism’ now?
Mutebi: Didn’t you hear Ocici say the electorate look at us as Money Persons now but when we are out of Parliament, they will see us as Miserable Persons.
Olega: Brother Abiriga, neocologism?
Elioda: Amoru, next time use simpler languages. This is not a PhD class.
Nsereko: Ocici made a lot of sense. Come to think of it, now I know why Otafiire did not concede defeat. The general couldn’t see himself morph into a Miserable Person.
Ogwang: Lol! One would think someone is paid to mock Otafiire.
Atwooki: You have to give it to Nsereko. Such bravery for a man whose middle name is ‘Debts’. I hear he even owes his ‘campaign manager’ Mr Panadol some money he borrowed for his failed bid for Deputy Speaker.
Nsereko: That is going personal.
Bahati: I believe Nsereko just goaded Otafiire for fun, otherwise he meant no offence, Hon Atwooki.
Muhwezi: Let’s be honest; wasn’t much of Ocici’s talk premised on Nsereko’s run-ins with loan sharks?
Nsereko: But Admin, why does Muhwezi have to remain in this group? He lost his seats. Two seats, mark you.
Muhwezi: Did I poke raw nerves?
Nsereko: Everyone who has seen how miserable Muhwezi looked in that comical picture at the steps of Parliament won’t believe he is the same man now boasting about wealth.
Karooro: This is when I just hate this group. Can’t we be more mature?
Nakate: Mary, you picked that from my lips.
Bahati: What is wrong with grown men trading barbs to beat stress?
Kadaga: There is a reason Ocici was a guest speaker and those who jotted down what he said should frame it on their wall. Those who didn’t should look into the mirror.
Muhwezi: Or should look at some Kampala MP and learn “how not to be like Nsereko.” But how can Kampala people entrust a man who can’t manage coins in a piggy bank with their constituency?
Ssekikubo: Maybe the Kampala voters are the reason for his predicament, but why are you so heated up, Jim?
Nsereko: I ask again, why is Muhwezi on this group?
Ecweru: Maybe on account of his false belief that he can bounce back into Parliament.
[Jessica Alupo has left this group]
Bahati: There goes a major. Now can a general follow suit?
Nsereko: Muhwezi, do the honourable thing and leave since the Admin fears to evict you.
Nankabirwa: I need majority decision and valid grounds to remove Muhwezi.
Nsereko: He is neither an MP nor a minister. In fact, he has nothing but just a past he is clinging onto like a baby tracing its own urine in the sand.
Lumumba: Muhwezi is still higher in the party hierarchy than some of you Johnny-come-lately will ever dream of.
Kadaga: I read in the papers that new MPs were already crying of brokenness. Instead of looking into this problem, you are busy trading barbs here.
Mbabaali: Until they become Miserable Persons, nothing matters to them.
Werikhe: We could start by looking into the situation of new MPs. They cried for alms like starving refugees.
Kasaija: I don’t understand some things. How do you cry to be paid before you have even started working? They are not even asking for advance but free money.
D’Ujanga: Looks like there will be a motion on facilitation for new MPs.
Ssekikubo: In all this, I just see the possibility of Muhwezi extending his presence at Parliament.
Oulanyah: How do you mean?
Nakate: As a loan shark maybe.
Ssekikubo: That’s it! Muhwezi can simply start a money lending venture in Parliament and that will keep him around and also endear him to some MPs as long as he doesn’t charge astronomical interest rates.
Todwong: Why must you reduce the Rujumbura man to such a calibre?
Nadduli: Who knows, his money could soften Nsereko’s stance and the two will save us their daily exchange on this forum.
Rukutana: Why are people reducing Muhwezi to a petty money lender?
Ecweru: It would be better than rearing ducks, as Otafiire likes invoking.
Bahati: Actually, let’s have Otafiire be the one telling Muhwezi to leave this group and go rear ducks.
Lumumba: Even then, he would still be better off financially than the lot of you. Cut Muhwezi some slack.
Masiko: No one will gain any financial discipline from insulting others on this forum.
Kutesa: Instead of joining Anne Maria in discussing substance like the constitutional age limit, we are busy arguing over Muhwezi’s status.
Ssekikubo: You are better than that, Kutesa.
Nadduli: If the thing will see some people get facilitations, then I see many warming up for it.
Kahonda: We need to consider financial management more seriously than this group talk suggests. I am told some MPs are always too broke that they are susceptible to bribery of all forms. Even the President said so one time.
Bahati: Here comes Otafiire’s nightmare.
Otafiire: Bahati, you are like a pig’s tail. A pig’s tail looks beautiful when coiled behind a sow but you know it is very useless! Gasiya kabisa!
Khainza: So far, Lumumba’s vow that she would control this group was just like a political manifesto when you look at the language.
This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not necessarily be an objective assessment of the individual or group.