Has the pandemic dipped your libido? This is how to get it back

Chama members invited me for a Zoom meeting on Saturday to discuss the lack of appetite for sex at this time.

"Nightfall has become depressing for many of us since corona started; depressing because we know our partners will demand sex yet we do not feel like it," said the chair lady in introducing the topic.

"For me, I have been pretending that I am enjoying it just to please him," quipped the vice-chairperson as everybody went quiet, "at least that is what my mother taught me," she added as everyone burst out laughing.

I took the opportunity to put facts straight in this meeting. After a series of interrogative questions, I concluded that because men have more time at home now due to Covid, they are giving sex more attention and want to have it more.

The desire for sex, also called libido, lust, sex appetite, or sex drive, has however not increased much in women to match the men's. Further, it is notable that sexual desire in women varies from one week to another in women. There are days when the desire is high and others when it is low. This is unlike men who can have the same desire for sex throughout the month. Unless men are aware of this, it can be a source of conflict.

But desire may also be a factor of the sexual behaviour and the style you have developed over the years. Couples tend to form a pattern in sex that may have been disrupted by Covid. As you try to transition to a new normal in the bedroom, there may be conflict; discordance in desire may become an issue where you or your man may have higher or lower desire than before. This can be a source of conflict.

For some, the low desire may arise from dissatisfaction with experience. Your partner may not be doing it the way you want. This may upset you. The natural way is to recoil back and evade sex. This however only leads to conflict.

Sexual dysfunction such as erection failure, premature ejaculation, sexual pain, or even inability to orgasm may also manifest more during this time. The fact that you have time to be with your partner more can lead to a flare-up of a problem that has been hidden all along.

A more prevalent killer of sex drive is relationship problems. Unlike men who are quite mechanical in their approach to sex, women's sexuality is closely linked to their psychological state. If a woman is not happy with you it's unlikely that they will desire to have sex with you unless the problem is solved.

In this time of Corona, stress has become the order of the day. This includes job losses, reduced income, and fatigue of staying at home among others. These things drain energy and depress the mood, leading to psychological strain. A psychologically disturbed woman needs support, not sex. If the man is not keen to realise this, he may accuse the woman of denying him conjugal rights.

Irrespective of the cause of low desire for sex, the first important solution to this problem is communication. Let your man know that you love him; that you care and know he wants to be intimate with you; that you appreciate his love for you. Let him know that your spirit is willing but the body is letting you down. This open communication alone can resolve the conflict and even improve sex desire.

Also important is to resolve any existing relationship problems. Do not pile up problems and hard feelings towards your partner. Let him know that a woman's sexual feelings are closely associated with her psychological state and you would like to have a good relationship with him for fulfilling sex life. As such tackle, the relationship problem head-on and get it resolved to open up your body to sex desire again.

And for what you cannot solve on your own, talk to an expert. Some problems are individualized and need personalised care. A sex counselor or therapist could be of great help. If we have to solve sex desire problems, we have to change from what our communities traditionally believed – that sex should not be discussed openly. It helps to talk about sex.

Chama members were motivated to fight Covid in all fronts, including its effects on matters of intimacy.