Should you see a ‘Senga’ to improve your sexual skills?

It is important to be sincere with your spouse and tell them what you feel about them but again this could be damaging if not done lovingly. That was my conclusion after listening to Janet as she narrated her story amid sobs.

"I feel I am not the right woman for him," she said, "maybe he should get another woman and let me free," Janet fumed.

The couple had been married for four years. They had one child. Charles, the man, was a businessman while Janet was a teacher. The relationship had been fairly okay for the four years. Hell broke loose when Charles told his wife that she was boring in bed.

"He told me that I needed to up my game," she said.

Harsh, yes, but sexual competence is something we rarely address. Many people do not pay attention to their sexual and intimacy skills. More do not have a clue as to how to make their sex lives satisfying. It is common for people to shy off and avoid this subject since it can be embarrassing. The taboo around sexuality in our communities does not make matters any better.

But lack of intimacy skills can spell doom for your relationship. On the one hand, society would like to make you believe that being sexually naïve is good because you are supposedly chaste and marriageable. On the other hand, gaining the right skills benefits your marriage beyond just the bedroom satisfaction.

Several research studies have been done where individuals underwent structured training on how to handle a sexual and intimate situation with skill. The results have been consistent. Following such training, the frequency of sex went up. Couples reported the quality of their sex lives to have gone up and said their experience was very satisfying.

But it is the wider gains that follow skillful sexual performance that makes training in sexual and intimacy skills much more important. Once trained, individuals' perceptions of their spouses completely changed. They started viewing their spouses more positively. They exhibited more positive energy towards their partners. Their emotional connection improved, and they became more loving and caring.

Even more important is that communication improved quite a bit in the relationship. It is common for couples to harbour hard feelings and even go quiet on each other when things are not working in the bedroom. Skillful sexual performance has been shown to break the ice and make it easy to engage with your partner. Communication becomes easy and spontaneous. Further, emotional connection is enhanced and couples exhibit positive vibe towards each other.

As would be expected, conflict reduces in such marriages, mostly because communication is easier. It is also possible that increased emotional connection plays a role in improving the harmonious co-existence.

Overall, training has been found to lead to increased satisfaction in marriage. The reverse is of course also true; that where sexual skills are poor, overall marital satisfaction is much less.

"It's not my mistake that I could be having poor sexual skills," Janet defended, "who gives those skills?" she asked.

There are not many trained professionals in our country on this subject. The right professionals for it are trained sex coaches, therapists, and counselors. Professional training in these areas, but traditionally, there are skilled sex coaches or Sengas who have been imparting skills for generations. These coaches are famous in Uganda and Tanzania.

But one needs to be careful not to fall victim to the many people who have stepped forward to fill the gap given the shortage of professionals. Many untrained people talk a lot about sex and many times perpetuate myths around sexuality. I have met many people who felt confused and sometimes inadequate after being talked to by such people. Be sure to see only verified professionals to avoid problems that come with sexual myths prevalent in our setting.

I assessed Janet and concluded that her skills were not any different from other people. I also assessed Charles and he similarly was not a superstar that he had claimed to be; he similarly needed skills building. I booked both for sex coaching. It always helps to have both parties involved.