How to keep the fire burning in long distance relationships

A number of promising relationships have ended because the partners were simply too far apart to make them work. Edward Kasalirwe, a life and transformation coach is one of the many who have experienced the challenges of losing a lover because of distance.

Kasalirwe and Jessica met in London where they were both students. After completing his course, Kasalirwe moved to Bradford, a city which is 328 km away to pursue his BSc in IT and Business.

“Before leaving, we agreed that we would alternate visits every two weeks. We did this for two years. In the third year, I started hearing rumours about her being seen in clubs with different men. When I confronted her about it, she evoked our vow to trust each other unquestionably so I did not push this any further,” Kasalirwe relates.

Kasalirwe returned to London but was torn between going forth with the wedding plans and calling the whole thing off because of all the rumours surrounding his girlfriend.
He did not have long to wait as more damning evidence surfaced.

“I called off the wedding and left London for Bradford once again with a broken heart. My decision was validated a few months later when I heard that she was expecting a baby with her new partner,” he says.

Out of this experience Kasalirwe, learned that long distance relationships are difficult and demand a high level of commitment to work.

“People tend to experience more temptation when their partner is far away. Some of this temptation stems from doubt and the need for self-preservation. Because they do not know what you are doing, they do not want to be the ones caught unawares. Remaining faithful and interested in each other is intentional, it won’t work any other way,” he notes.

He advises couples in long distance relationships to set guidelines that are realistic and stick to them.

“Do not expect your partner to become a recluse just because you are not around to hang out with them; allow them to have an active social life within reason. Also, have faith in them, when you show that you trust someone, most times they will be encouraged to reward that trust,” says Kasalirwe.

Noel Kabanda is a champion of long distance relationships since he works with UNHCR and has been posted to several areas including outside Uganda.

For Kabanda, long distance relationships can be empowering for the individuals because the abscence gives them space to grow into their own without the added pressure of being watched all the time.

They also create an opportunity for travel, because partners end up having to visit each other. This can create very beautiful memories, cementing the relationship even further.

However, for long distance relationships to work, just like any other relationships, there has to be a constant communication. The break in communication can easily lead one into temptations.

“Check on your partner in the morning when you wake, let them be the last person you talk to or text before you sleep. This tries to cover for the time you spend apart,” he says.

He notes that generally long distance relationships are hard, since they require more commitment than ordinary relationships.

However, with the right mindset and focus, they can be really interesting and loving relationships. He says they tend to test a couple on whether they are serious about each other or not.

“It is easier for a couple to do a long distance relationship if they have been dating for some time, and have cultivated trust between one another, because the number two killer of long distance relationships is lack of trust, number one being lack of communication,” Kabanda explains.
According to Kabanda some of the challenges cut across all relationships, long distance or not, but might be felt much more in the long distance ones, for example loss of trust.

“When you live with a person daily, it is easier to know where they are or what they are doing. In long distance relationships, you just have to trust whatever they tell you. And this calls for a lot of honesty, not so many people have this virtue. It is important to be honest with your partner on where you are, what you and doing, if they are interested in that kind of information, because it removes the doubt and second guessing,” Kabanda advises.

Honesty between the couple is key. There has to be accountability as far as each of the people in the relationship is spending their time as unaccounted for time can breed mistrust and suspicion.

“Let your partner know if you are going out, let them know when you get back home if you are from an outing. A text message can suffice, even when they are sleeping at the time, because of different time zones, it reassures them that you are safe and you are thinking about them,” he says.

You also have to create time to meet often as much as you can. Extended periods apart between couples can be detrimental to the relationships. Everyone has needs that need to be fulfilled. If such needs are not fulfilled for extended periods, temptations might creep in.