Dear Heart to Heart, my husband and I are in our late 30s and have two children. During dinner last week, he said he wants to open an account on a dating app in order to expand his social circle. He is waiting for my reply but I am confused on what to say to him. What if he falls in love with someone? We do not check each other’s phones so I will not be able to know who he is chatting with. On the other hand, we do not restrict each other in any way and saying no would break this pact. What should I do? Anonymous
Jane Woods. Nowadays, apps have become a new way of socialising and meeting people. As most of the people do not have time in their busy schedule to meet new people and make new friends, apps provide a wide variety of options. A person can start the communication and this also saves a lot of time for the people who are juggling between their work and home commitments. Sit down with your husband and discuss the reasons he wants to open this account. His answers will give you a way forward.
David Nakabaale. It is great to know that you and your husband respect each other’s space and speak openly. I can understand that you are confused as your husband shared his interest of having an account on a dating app to socialise. It can be challenging for you to accept this as it is also giving rise to insecurities of him liking someone else. I acknowledge that you do not check each other’s phones and do not restrict each other anywhere. However, you can speak to him and appreciate that he shared his interest with you openly and share your feelings of insecurities with him.
Marylyn Alaso. Inform him that you also want to join a dating app to expand your social circles and wait for his reply. If he says it is bad, ask him for his reasons of saying so and then base on that to also give him a reply.
Becki Nana. How is he going to expand his social network on a dating app? Dating apps are created for people looking for romantic partners. There are many other sites that are meant just for that such as Instagram and Twitter. Besides, doesn’t he have friends at his workplace? There are many other ways to expand his social network and once you give him consent, there may be no turning back.
Nampa Patience Natie. I suspect that your husband has a hidden agenda. Why would he go in for a dating app all because he needs friends yet there are other apps such as Facebook, Twitter and Instagram? He might be secretly looking for another woman instead of a friend. You need to save your marriage in time. Maybe there is some discord in the relationship which you need to investigate and work on.
Gladys Blessed Chepkemei. Pray and ask God to divert his energy elsewhere. Sometimes, there is nothing you can do but pray.
Sarah Lwanyaga. As I grow older, I have realised that pleasing everyone is impossible as you silently die inside. Just break the pact and tell your husband what exactly is on your mind. If he persists, then you will have ground to call him out one day when he cheats on you.
Micheal Kazinda. Both of you are already married. What more does he want apart from bringing unwanted diseases into your marriage? Is he aware that HIV/Aids is still killing many married partners just because of indulging in senseless things instead of focusing on strengthening your family? If that is what he wants to do, then let him end the marriage with you first so that he can move on and do his own things.
Phoebe Miriam. Let it be mutually agreed upon that he is free to join a dating site while you also open an account to expand your chances. In case he falls in love with someone else, you will continue with the new catch. If he agrees to this, then you are good to go.
Bukomba Ronald Dennis. You have already showed feelings of insecurity before he signs up for this dating app. Do not take risks. Honestly, do not let him sign up. His social circle can expand through many other social sites but not a dating site.
Anitah Anitez Nabuduwa. You are failing to connect the dots. In dating sites, you are not expected to advertise business but only advertise your heart and seek for the kind of lovers you fantasise about. Members in there are looking for sexual pleasure, for lovers and anything related to affairs. If your husband wants to join such sites and you are entertaining the idea, then you are in for a very big surprise.
Nun Nyonga Dora. He is already your husband. But that does not stop him from exercising his right to assembly. Besides, it is his phone. Sometimes you have to give a grown up their space to do what they want and if he does something stupid, then it will be his problem. Besides, if you say no, will he actually follow your advice?
counsellor’s say> Stephen Langa, counselling psychologist at Familylife Network
Talk to your husband
Dear Anonymous, the fact that you are living together, it is too early to make conclusions about your husband’s decision. You need to engage him and talk freely so that you can get clarity for the reason he is opening an account on a dating site. Otherwise, everything that you are thinking is just based on assumptions.
After you have spoken to him, then based on the reasons he has given to you; you can express your fears and concerns. There is always a problem when you fail to communicate because then you start thinking for him.
If he is a wise husband, he would not do anything that can bring suspicion or compromise your trust to create insecurity. Once these come about, your relationship is bound to break.
Generally, it is important for a couple to always talk in order to get clarity so that the other partner does not draw conclusions depending on their own thoughts. Talk about issues however small you may think they are. It helps iron out differences before they become too hard to solve.