Perhaps we should all be boda guys

If there are two people with a burning curiosity, it must be children and boda boda guys in Uganda. But then what about the rest of us? Why do we not care anymore to know? Because your boda guy knows the people who run this country. Your boda guy knows your woman more than you know her.

What else does your boda guy know? Your boda guy knows when you are broke, when the finances are not happening. Your boda guy knows your lies when your rent is due. Above all, your boda guy runs your house. Now that your boda guy knows all these things, what is stopping you from copying this skill of knowing? So that you start knowing some things.

Mbu some of you do not know your local council chairpersons? But again, is that not a hard thing to expect of some areas? Who would take the risk to be the local council representative of Najjera? To gain what? There are better ways to a painful death.

Of course, there are more ways to a painful death, things such as becoming a lawyer. The problem with lawyers is that they can never agree on a lie. Even a thing as simple as Article 41, will be interpreted differently. One lawyer will argue that the framers of the Constitution had a different definition of what constitutes a ‘right’. That they could probably have meant a ‘left’. Anyway, let us not bother with issues that could cause trauma.

While I was away, the Ugandan government transitioned into ‘bivulu’ promoters. Gone are the days when we drafted policy and implemented policy. The in-thing is about vibes. If, for example, every Member of Parliament could organise a musical battle in their constituency, there would be no complaints about bad roads, missing drugs in hospitals. All that we need to know are the dates of the next battle and the venue. But then, you can pity some constituencies. Imagine a battle in Rubanda West. Who will adjudicate the battle there? Which musicians?

But on a serious note, we could even solve this election issue. We could spice it up. Come 2026, we can ask MC Sevo (been long since he had a hit song) and Bobi Wine. We shall have camp one with MC Sevo and the man himself Mkay. Bobi Wine will have his camp. And the Electoral Commission will decide the winner of the battle. The President will be declared on the same day. We shall be the most efficient country when it comes to this thing called elections. We are already efficient at it because every Ugandan reading this, knows the next President of Uganda. If you do not know the next President, you are advised to change whatever you are smoking. 

But there is a new problem waiting to erupt in Uganda – Ugandans on X. Ever since Musk took over, it has never been the same. Ever since that bird went flying, everything has become X on that App. Ugandans on X seem to have a multiple personality disorder. One moment they are sober, another moment they are zonked, another moment they are professors of Economics. If there is proof that you can be anything, that proof is on X.

And if Ugandans on X are an issue, you have not seen Ugandan doctors on X. It is like a competition to keep shocking us out of this life. They are the reason Dr Kasenene went into retirement. Because every day Ugandan doctors on X could show you a million ways to die. One day we shall wake up and leave X to you people.

If that is not enough, there is also a new scandal waiting to erupt. It is the religion of the iPhone users. It is as though someone somewhere has decreed that the only way to feel arrival in life is to flash one’s iPhone. What explains 30-year-olds, 40-year-olds finding identity by owning an iPhone? Apparently without that phone, their life crashes. People would rather stay hungry than go without an iPhone. So where does that leave Android users? Should they be relegated to the village? Because at this rate without an iPhone, you have no identity, no peace, no nothing.

Back then, the great men of the renaissance times were inventing double entry systems, rethinking the world, remodeling the world in their imagination. The great men and women of today (unlike the Luca Paciolis and Leonardo Da Vinci), they are finding new ways to flash their iPhones. You know those things called ‘bu-unawares’. Now lest the iPhone people throw me out of their lives, I can comfortably say, find more things to do with life. Find some meaning beyond owning an iPhone. At least make some noise. At least task your government to tell you about the next bills, about the national development plan. You must know what the government is planning for you. It must accord you all the information. You have the right to know, you have the right to access information.

Twitter: ortegatalks