Before you accompany him, do research
My friend Raul invited me to watch a game of football at his local kafunda at the weekend. I was in buoyant mood since I knew a Jamie Vardy-less Leicester City would obliterate Swansea City. I found Raul already seated, enjoying a soda.
He supports Tottenham Hotspurs. He knows that maybe, the White Hart Lane outfit could just pinch the Premier League title from under Ranieri’s nose. I believe this is the reason he invited me.
I requested for my usual which was delivered as Mahrez scored the first of four goals.
A couple next to us celebrated. The man with so much zeal I thought he would break the Eagle Lager bottle that annoyingly sat on the edge of the round plastic table. His woman kept her soda on her lips. But you could tell she too was happy. Only Raul and a few Arsenal fans swore.
Then the conversation on their table became a little more audible.
The guy, let’s call him Mukwasi, was explaining why both Leicester and Swansea had ‘City’ on the club crest.
“Sweetheart, every team in England comes from a different city. All the 25 teams in the Premier League represent a different city,” he said and signaled for refill.
The girl – looked more like a ‘Mutesi’ – looked at him suspiciously.
When his drink arrived, he saw the look on her face.
“Olowoza nimba? Buli City ebungeleeza eyina timu y’omupila. Tolaba Manchester City, Stoke City, Swansea City, Leicester City ne Norwich City?” loosely translated: “Do you think I am lying? Every city in England has a football team. Do you not see Manchester City, Stoke City, Swansea City, Leicester City ne Norwich City?”
Mutesi told him she didn’t think he was lying. Then on second thought she asked “atte Arsenal?” (What about Arsenal?)
He lifted the dusty brown bottle to his lips and took a sip. Raul and I waited for how he would get himself out of this. He took another sip, his mind probably working in overdrive. I did not even notice that Leicester City had scored a second when he started his narrative.
“Arsenal,” he said in Luganda, “is supposed to be called ‘Arsenal City.’ It represents the biggest city in England called Arsenal. That fool Wenger decided to remove the ‘city’. So everyone knows it as ‘Arsenal’ instead of ‘Arsenal City’.”
I froze. I could tell Raul was lost for words too. Mutesi halfheartedly probed further.
“Kweli?” she asked.
“Yes. Me I know these things,” he said with the look of a cat that had cornered a lame rat.
She gave in.
“Kyoka, you know these things,” and she gave him a big fat kiss.
I wanted to believe she had not believed him. Deep down I was feeling sad that this woman was better off knowing some of these things. This is what she will tell her girlfriends and children, who would in turn spread such unwarranted falsehoods.
She wasn’t the first girl to be duped during a sports date as I listened.
A few months earlier, during a Kobs –Heathens rugby game at Legends, a young stylishly dressed couple sauntered into the bar area and took seats next to me. A few minutes later, the girl asked which teams were playing.
As if rehearsed, the boy said, “Uganda Kobs in the blue jersey and Uganda Heathens in the black jersey. Both are national rugby teams but they face each other more often in preparation for Africa Cup of Nations.”
On that particular day I corrected them. The look I received from the girl was that of ‘never disturb us again.’
That is why I never corrected Mutesi. But I slipped her a chit, telling her, and all other women who want to accompany their men to a game of sports they do not understand to at least Google. Then, they will not say ‘Kyoka omanyi ebintu.’ The chit also had my number, in case she wanted to know more about Arsenal City!
