He married someone else but wants to meet

I had been dating this man for about three years. Things were serious to the extent that he had met some of my family members who adored him. One Friday, he asked me out on a date and after the meal, he drove me home. On Saturday, I woke up around midday and went straight to my social media pages to catch up with the world. Guess who I see, my ‘boyfriend’ adorned in groom attire exchanging vows with another woman. To say I was shocked is an understatement. Anyway, I nursed my heartbreak and moved on, knowing that he will never bother calling me. I was wrong, after a year, he calls and says he wants us to meet. What do I do with such a man?  Anonymous.

Dear Anonymous,

It is unfortunate that your ex-boyfriend treated you this badly. When we fall in love with someone, we hardly ever imagine them causing the most pain in our lives. If it was possible to know this beforehand, then many people would be saved from heartbreaks. The only way to know this is through interaction and the behaviour that one shows towards you. Love is tasted when two people are able to live together despite their shortcomings and despite the fact that there are always better people out there.

 Love cannot be hidden under the bed, it is proved with actions, especially the ones between a man and a woman. However, it is also possible to meet someone who might shock you just like your ex-boyfriend did. The important thing is to remember that this is not your problem and instead, your ex could be struggling with finding happiness with his new wife.

 The decision whether to meet him or not is entirely yours. Remember that sometimes such a person has his own underlying behavioural issues that they battle with.

 If he left you for someone else, then how sure are you that he will he not leave you again? If he is to come back, that would mean starting all over again and he has the duty of satisfactorily explaining his past behaviour. Let your ex-boyfriend know how much this affected you and changed your life. Take time to examine your heart. Do you really need to rekindle a relationship with such a man? Weigh both the good and the bad and make an informed decision. 

Create a list of trusted loved ones and allow yourself to be fully vulnerable and supported by those people. This can include family members or close friends.

Understand that some people may not understand what you have gone through and come across as insensitive or unsure of what to say. Even though it may feel uncomfortable, communicate what you need from them, and be honest about how their efforts are or are not helping you. If you’re not getting what you need from your inner circle, find a local or virtual support group to connect with other people with similar experiences.

READER ADVICE

Make a decision

John Mukisa. Despite how difficult things seem at the moment, you will be able to find the courage to move forward. You can take inputs from friends or family members or have someone mediate the situation for you.  However, if you have absolutely moved on and want nothing to do with your ex, then it would be important to let hin know so that you are not left hanging in the middle as it would only bring unhappiness to you.

Follow your heart

Christine Mirembe. I believe you already know what to do. So, please follow your heart and I hope you make the right decision.

Run for your dear life

Jayne Katusiime. Run for your dear life. He has already made a commitment and wants to use you as a shock absorber. Such men cannot be trusted.

Block his calls

Betty Nankya. Just block him whenever he calls you. That should be a lesson to men who take women for granted. Let him settle where he went as you also move on with your life. In time, you will meet someone who treasures you.

Meet him for closure

Grace Hermans. Kindly meet him at least to get closure. Whatever his reasons for marrying someone else are, do not rekindle the relationship. He will just end up hurting you, this time even worse than before.

Do not judge him

Silica Bone Boni. It is a heart tearing situation but there are people we cannot forget and let go even if we break their heart. Sooner or later, we realise we were totally wrong and try to make things right so maybe it is the case with him. Meet him. Do not judge him before you find out why he had to do such a terrible thing to you. Meet just to hear him out.

He will do it again

Alice Drijaru. Do not accept anything to do with him. In fact, end communication with him. You said you moved on, so move on. He has hurt you once and will do it again if given a chance.

Be sure

Donald Lutu. You may feel an urgency to respond right away, but slowing down ensures that you are happy with your response to your ex and that you are actually ready to handle speaking with him. Keep in mind, too, that this may be the only re-opened communication for a while, so being sure of how you want to respond is important.

Be slow to act

Jane Mukasa. No matter how you decide to approach the contact that has been made, do not rush things. You may very well end up back with this person, or at the very least good friends with them depending on how things go. But do not rush a response or a decision about what you two “are.” That will not help the situation. Do not allow your ex to make you feel guilty for setting boundaries and limitations on how you will interact with them. It is okay to let them know you are not interested in rebuilding again.

Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation