He refused to eat my food, called another woman

The other day, my husband and I worked late and on his way home, he picked me from office. When we reached home, I was so tired and it was late for me to cook food from scratch. I, therefore, warmed the previous night’s leftovers and served dinner. My husband just looked at the food and demanded I cook matooke and groundnut sauce; his favourite. I told him it was late and I was rather tired. He called someone and put them on loud speaker. It was a woman and after their hellos, he told her he was hungry but all he wanted to eat was matooke and groundnut sauce. The woman said she would run to a nearby market to get what she needs and the food would be ready soon. After the call, my husband got his car keys and walked out the door. We have not talked about it since but I feel disrespected and betrayed. How do I bring up the conversation?   

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

This seems harsh but yes, this can happen depending on one’s personality. Love is beautiful and brings fulfillment to those in a relationship. However, when partners start living together, it is possible that their true personalities and behaviour become more apparent. It is also essential for an intending young couple to go through relationship ccounselling so that they learn how to treat each other.

 Since I do not know how long you have lived together, I can only guess that this is a new relationship and of course, depending on which stage you are in, such conflicts will always come up. The conflict itself may not be the issue but how it is handled. As much as women want to be loved and pampered, men love to feel respected. If any of these needs are not met, it is likely that the couple will argue and in most cases, let things get out of hand.

 Learning what pleases the other is important and this differentiates a casual friendship from a romantic relationship. There seem to be unsaid obligations that have to be met either way. I am sure that your husband can actually eat food from the fridge if this was communicated in an agreeable way. Most men have preferences of what to eat and sometimes, how it should be prepared. Meanwhile, women easily change to what might be available.

 Understanding your differences is key to solving these arising conflicts. In his book, Men Are from Mars, Women from Venus, John Gray explains that men and women are as different as beings from other planets and that learning the code of conduct of the opposite sex is of essential value even if individuals do not necessarily conform to the stereotypical behaviour. This does not mean that your husband’s behaviour is excused. The act of calling another woman was disrespectful in itself. Apart from him claiming what he needed most, he went ahead to call someone else in your presence.

 There are two or more issues to deal with and one is that as a wife, it is important to do your best and in case you are unable to, as in the above scenario, talk about it before you even reach home and together with your husband, find a solution that caters for both of you.

To handle the infidelity, find a time when you are both relaxed and tell your husband how this makes you feel. Treat it as an important subject but in a non-confrontational way so that you can be heard. If this is difficult for you to do on your own, seek counseling from a professional marriage counsellor. 

In case your husband objects to counselling, you can still go on your own so that you are in a better position to make informed decisions.

Reader advice

Set ground rules

Sarah K Frankie. Marriage is not for the faint hearted or the immature. It involves some compromise, mutual respect, empathy (sensibility) and love. Your husband was wrong, he acted out of male ego which in my opinion displays his lack of sensibility. There was no need for him to call another woman to put his point across. If he is willing to replace or disrespect you for such a minor thing as food, what happens during hardships in the relationship? At some point, you both need to discuss this and set the ground rules for your marriage.

He needs to decide

Cherry Munguriek. Laziness is when a man makes his wife work to contribute to their development and then expects her to also do housewife duties of cooking food late in the night. Successful marriages are for mature men who have empathy not immature men who think of women as slaves. He can as well get married to the matooke cook since cooking matooke and groundnut sauce is what he wants in a wife.

You are to blame

Nyakojo Donavan Alecs. If you think your job is better than your husband, continue behaving this way but remember there is always another woman who can play your role. You served him leftovers and someone else prepared him a fresh meal. There is no two way about this.

How would you feel?

Christmas M Khan. In marriage, as you strive to make a living, remember it is a marriage and if you fail to do something for your man, another woman will. Ask yourself; if you were served the same meal, what would be your reaction?

You were both wrong

Angel Nyg. It is your duty to cook for your hubby and it is his to provide for you. If one day he fails to provide, should you also call another man to do so? I think communication is lacking in your marriage. You both should devise ways to talk and understand each other better.

Think about your health

Doreen Namakula. Marriage is not a prison my dear.  Maybe he has been dying to let you know that he has another woman. Not cooking for one night with understandable reasons cannot be the reason he did what he did. Besides, your health and happiness come first.

You cannot get it all

Brina Bae Neymar. That man was raised in a home with little or no food and because he remembers how he used to starve, food to him means more than anything else. As my mother used to tell me; you cannot get everything you need in marriage and must learn to adjust to bad times.

Take care of your hubby

Issa Ashianga. So, you start a problem then when you are paid back in kind, you run claiming disrespect? Your ego will destroy you and your marriage and lack of respect will drive your husband away. Calm down and start taking care of your husband.

Evelyn Kharono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation