He took my son away from me

The problem
Dear Heart to Heart, I am a mother of one and I have been living with my five-year-old son since he was born. When he started school, his father has not been of much help. His support was on and off, so I got myself another man who treats my son as his own.
Recently though, my ex, who is married with a child, asked to spend time with my son for the holiday (two weeks) in Rwanda and I accepted because I did not want to keep my son away from his father. But before even the first week ended, he called to say he was not bringing my son back.
I am having sleepless nights, I cannot stand the thought of losing my little boy, and the thought of him being under a stepmother is killing me. I do not want to go to court for a custody battle because my son is too young for this. I am five months pregnant, and this stress is worrying me. Please help me. Should I get a lawyer because efforts to convince my son to bring him back are failing?
Claire

Your solutions

Bretha Doris: I am so sorry about what you are going through, but it is best that you get a lawyer and negotiate with the father of your son as mature adults. Do not lose hope, as a mother you have rights and the law is on your side. Every child needs to be with their mother.

Nakiyimba Gorret: Talk to the father of your son kindly, he will understand and give you your son. Sorry dear.

Otile Fred: Talk to his wife to let him back, but that boy will eventually go to his father. Just look for a way of coming into an agreement with him so that the boy continues coming to see you. I am sure he also feels the same way, his son growing up with a step father. It is your turn to be picking him for a week and taking him back to the dad.

Oryema Martin: Sorry, it happens but the child belongs to both of you, so learn to share as this child is important to both of you. Do not stress yourself by over thinking. Talk to your ex so you too can have time with your beloved son.

Hussein Bin Hassan: The man still loves you and that is his way of calling you back to him.

Geofrey Nabora: Whose son? Your son or his son? Madam, do you have a clan or land for that child? He is in the right hands.

Ritah Martha Risita Risma: Shyaa... go to court for Christ’s sake, or else pressure will kill you. You are pregnant and you do not want to lose that one too.

Ann Ndagire: Calm down dear, as long as he is in the hands of his real father, men are like that, let him also spend some quality time with his dad.

Bonface Shiyoya: Do not take the boy, but pay him frequent visits. Stepmothers will never be trusted until Jesus comes.

Kyomuhendo Vanessa Praiz: Dear, it is better to get a lawyer.

Chukwu Uzochukwu Cletus: Both of you are rightful owners, you do not have to worry. He belongs to both of you, just try to reason with him and always call your son, one day he will come looking for you.

Arinaitwe Deborah Prossie: You are lucky that the dad still recognises your son as his, because when most men marry, they do not look back. Just sit down and talk to him not to stop you from spending some time with him.

Jane Kongs: In my opinion, it seems he is the one who was supporting his son with everything, and instead you were enjoying child support money with your man.

Moses Earthe: And you want the boy to be under the care of a step dad? This is Africa, children carry their father’s name and clan. Why do you want to give him to another man? It is good you are pregnant for the new man. Have his child and the child will call him daddy. Children belong to the man’s family. Go to court. That child is just remaining with two years to be given to his father.

Lada Innocent Sadam: I grew up under the care of a stepmother. It is your mindset that will surely endanger your child. So my advice is that you love his new mother, get into a friendship and believe me you will have gifted your son.

Mugabe Mackvean: Men should stop being selfish and arrogant, the child belongs to both parties. This thing of omwana wa musaja (a child belongs to a man) is ancient thinking and a big sign of ignorance, both should come to an agreement on how to handle this, but make sure the child gets love from both sides.

Odong Patrick: Don’t go to court, the boy belongs to you both, sort it out with the father in an understanding way. He will give the boy back to you.

Counsellor says > Margaret Nassanga, Set Her Free Bukoto

Dear Claire, sadly, you have not identified whether your son’s father stays in Rwanda permanently or if he occasionally stays that side but with a home here. Do you know the man’s home such that in case you wanted your son you could drop by and pick him for yourself? If not, that is unfortunate. What you are going through is expected because five-year-olds are such interesting children and it might be hard for your ex to let go of him. I would recommend that you get help from a legal person to guide you on how to go about it.
Rwanda is far away and in such instances, laws change according to different boundaries. He might be holding on because they have bonded (him and the son) and it is hard for him to let go. Reporting him to the police might not help since he did not kidnap the boy; you gave your permission and he is the biological father. Or, you could go to a good police station and seek advice. Start with small efforts like going to a family unit at the police station so that the officers can advise best on how you can go about it.
However, next time you should be more vigilant; you could agree that they see each other but while you are there. Have faith as long as the child is okay because not all stepmothers are bad but remember that you are five months pregnant and worrying will affect the unborn child. You could get a face to face dialogue with a counsellor in case you still need to talk to someone.
Compiled by Pauline Bangirana

Next week’s problem

Dear Heart to Heart, I am 22 years old and recently married a 21-year-old woman. We are two years into marriage now, but due to circumstances I have been unable to pay her bride price. Now her parents want to take her away and marry her off to a tycoon. Should I let her go or I insist? Please help me.

-Siraji