I cannot stand her overeating 

To say she overeats would be an understatement because there is no other way I can describe this situation. We started dating about three years ago and she moved in last year. The problem is ever since she moved in, the food bill has more than doubled. A bunch of matooke, five kilos of rice, and three kilos of posho can be consumed in one week. Mind you, we are just two people in the house.  I know she is not giving away the food because I have seen the eating habits first hand. How can I let her know her eating habits are giving me sleepless nights?

John Mary Kabugo

Dear Kabugo,

This sounds like a testing point between you and your loved one given the fact that you are still in the courtship phase.

Over eating is quite a common problem and many people struggle silently with it. It is true that we all would wish to have a perfect partner with no faults but this is not quite earthly.

In your letter, you identify two separate issues; one - worrying about the bills and being uncomfortable with your girlfriend’s behaviour.

If it is the bills you are worried about, sit down with your girlfriend and talk about how you can adjust on the quantity of the food you consume in a day in a bid to save. To sustain a successful conversation, do not name call her or use criticism because emotions trigger emotions.

This might help her to adjust to eating just what is enough and at the same time tame the behaviour.

However, if you magnify the fault and stereotype your loved one, this can only trigger the behaviour.

Your interests

I am sure there are good things that attracted you to this girl in the first place and having dated for three years, means you two have a certain interest in each other.

Love is tested only when two people can be able to accommodate each other’s defaults and either adjust to them or support them to overcome.

We will need to differentiate between overeating and Binge-eating Disorder (BED).

Occasional overeating can be a normal tendency for many individuals and may involve having an extra helping at a meal even when already full or eating beyond satisfaction.  While binge eating, according to the American Psychiatric Foundation, one should be having recurring episodes of eating more food in a short period of time, and these episodes are marked by feelings of lack of control.

Such a person will display both physical and emotional distress meaning that this can be classified as an addiction because it is beyond the person’s control.

 The best way to help such an individual who meets this criterion is to suggest therapy but in a non-controlling way.

You could suggest seeing a therapist together who will help you and your girlfriend learn how each other’s behavior is affecting the relationship.

The therapist will even be able to help you differentiate between the two either occasional overeating or it is a negative coping strategy.

I have not personally handled this in therapy but from what I read and hear it is treatable and in most cases behavioral therapy can help even without medication.

Binge eating or even compulsive eating doesn’t happen from the vacuum, emotional trauma from past unresolved issues, stress, phobias, anxiety, PTSD among others can be the cause.

Family involvement

The other dilemma is that while a family member in pursuit to help the individual might instead lead to the triggers.

Even with a good intention, the comments a family member makes about the one who is overeating can trigger emotions in the binge eater’s mind, and instead of stopping they might eat more in rebellion as a reaction against being controlled.

Shame is one such emotion that is commonly triggered. Anger, resentment, and fear are others too.

The best way to handle this at home is to show compassion and understand that this might be a behaviour she too is disgusted with but has not found appropriate support. Regardless of if you want to continue with the relationship or not, hate the behaviour and not the one suffering from it.

It is helpful to view binge eating or compulsive eating in this case as an illness that can be improved by skills, perspectives, and strategies, rather than a flaw in the character of the binge eater.

Reader advice

Let her eat

Evelyn Natukunda

I think you have forgotten that there are people who take appetite tablets before eating. If God has blessed you with appetite, please eat.

Don’t spend sleepless nights

Evelyn Namakula

How does someone spend sleepless nights because the other is eating? I am praying that God increases the appetite of my people at home.

Go shopping

Donavan Alecs Nyakojo

Man, I will tell you to take the woman to the village or get her a land to dig. If you cannot do that, be the one to do shopping and do shopping for a week.

Continue providing

Sophy Winfred Mukimba

You have not told us whether she is from a village or town. If God had blessed you with something you are doing to earn a living, continue providing. Give her freedom, let her eat she will get tired. Let her be exposed to all these things. Continue buying trust me she will get tired. Live life the way it is, stay away from such silly worries.

Reduce on food bought

Brenda Abbo

Talk to her because that kind of eating is too much and perhaps reduce on the food storage maybe that way she will learn how to economise.

Buy what is enough

Atwine Sheillah Ckay

Just buy what is enough for the day. Wait for her to ask for more money and tell you budgeted for what was enough. She either controls her eating or help her watch her diet

Work harder

Brendah Martha

If you love her just work hard. If she works let her buy food on some days. If she doesn’t work that’s a problem. Make sure she gets work and contributes to that bill.

You are a greedy man

Olivia Namukwaya

We live just once. Let her eat. You are a greedy man. When she stops ‘overeating’ will you come back and tell us? If you cannot sustain her eating behaviour send her away. Get another one who has no mouth.

How can you stop her?

Harriet Ayebare Niwandinda

I cannot imagine someone stopping me from eating what I want. I think you should just work hard and let this woman eat or else leave her for men who are able to provide without complaining.

Visit a nutritionist

Jay Em Em

You need to determine if she is eating because of genetic or psychological reasons. Sit her down and explain that her food consumption is not normal. You could also visit a nutritionist with her so they can explain why over indulging in food is unhealthy and suggest ways to curb her consumption. Thank you for being a patient husband.

How is this a problem?

Catherine N Abaasa

So eating has also been added on the list of problems men experience. Hmmmmm

Evelyn is a Counseling Psychologist with Sermotherapy Counseling Foundation

@Heart2HeartMagazine