I have never had feelings for a woman

What you need to know:

Digging into the past only cripples your mind

I am 25 years old but I have never had feelings for any woman. The only things that give me happiness are watching movies, football games and reading books. I never feel like asking anyone out on a date or even spending time out on a date with a woman. Is this normal? Herbert?

Dear Herbert,

Not having someone to love may not be the problem because this may be more about the skills of doing so. However, human beings go through developmental stages and each has meaning. During puberty, one becomes more aware of the opposite sex and there is a natural tendency for boys at this stage to want to interact with girls and girls to feel the same way.

 This does not mean that they are mature enough for an adult relationship and, therefore, adults have a role in guiding these young feelings. It is important to know that this is normal because it prepares one for future adult relationships.

 As humans, we are wired for connection. We need love, but not the false representation offered by films and novels which in most cases is a culture of addictive relationships over real love. Instead, it should be a consistent connection and support from others that help us recognise our value.

At 25, you are not considered old, but you could be having psychological blocks that are standing in your way. Such include feelings of low self-worth. Are there times you feel you are too hard or not good enough to be loved? Low self-worth means you feel like you are not as good as other people or that there is something wrong with you that cannot be fixed.

While it is normal to struggle with self-esteem now and then, if you truly feel you are worthless, it either attracts someone who will take advantage of you instead of loving you or that you might hide from love, worried others will only see the negative things you focus on.

Deal with self-first and work on your self-esteem. This can be achieved through seeing a therapist qualified in this area. You can also start by seeing the values in yourself, which will raise good feelings about you.

You can also read books about how to raise your self-esteem or on the internet. Before you find love in other people, first practice self-love since you cannot give what you do not have.

Sometimes it is childhood abuse that has not been resolved and is interrupting how you relate intimately. The good news is that this is workable, once you start getting skills and therapy on how to cope with what you might not change.

However, having a goal of when you want to start dating is also healthy as it enables you to plan. It is healthy to have the feeling as it is from this that you can gain momentum in approaching a possible suitor.

So, for now, consider working on what is hindering you as an individual by meeting a relationship expert.

Reader advice

You haven’t met the one

Joseph Brooke. I used to think the same way. I even questioned myself a lot. However, something can happen to your life that will totally change your perspective. I think you just have not met the person who has the ability to stir your soul. But once it happens, you will never be the same again.

Could be your childhood

David Mukisa. Attachment problems from childhood could be the reason. As children, it is critical that we form healthy bonds with our parents or primary caregivers. These bonds can teach us about love and pave the way for us to develop healthy relationships as adults. If your parents or caretakers were emotionally distant or inconsistent with their love or affection, you might have developed unhealthy attachments that you have carried into your adult life.

Work on your self esteem

Joel Matovu. It might be that you struggle with a lack of self-esteem. In order to be accepting of love, we must first love ourselves. If we have negative opinions of ourselves, then we will feel like nobody else deserves us. If you have never had feelings for a woman, self-esteem issues may be to blame.

Sort underlying issues

Donald Bukenya. Beyond getting out and socialising, it is helpful to address any underlying emotional or psychological issues you have been struggling with if you want to find the right kind of person to connect with.

Live your life

Jean Rene Tuyubahe. I am like that as well but I do not take it as a big deal because such feelings will come and go. Thinking of yourself as abnormal will also not help. Live your life normally and I am sure everything will fall into place at the right time.

Talk to a professional

Martin Ssebyala. This could be a hormonal imbalance of testosterone. See a professional psychologist and physician for help.

We are not the same

Benson Mwaka Funi. The biggest problem with humanity nowadays is stereotyping. There is no rule that says everyone should be the same. If you are happy, live your life. This is what matters. Feelings are just feelings and in the end they count for nothing.

Get a female friend

Dmar Weder. Before doing anything, first make some female friends. Gradually, you will get a best friend who I believe will help boost your confidence in your own sexuality and relating with women.

Get female friends

Jacob Kwesiga Gatasha. This is something you should not take lightly, however temporary it can be. I believe you were born normal and could have feeling like any man but the environment around you could have been contaminated by acts of domestic violence, breakups and cheating that led you to feel that loving or feeling for someone is a hoax. Accept one crush or get a crush. Start out as friends and gradually, let her help you get in touch with your feelings.

Evelyn is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation

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