I want her out of my life, house

What you need to know:

  • Be calm and give adequate time and tone to the conversation. Seeming rushed or annoyed will seem disrespectful or cold.

Some years back, I had a misunderstanding with my wife and mother of our two children and we separated. I tried dating but things did not work out until mid last year when I met someone. Three months into the relationship we moved in together. Our relationship has, however, not been good; she is arrogant, proud and disrespects me. I have decided this is not the woman for me and after several discussions with my ex, we have both agreed to give our love a chance. How do I tell this other woman that I want her out of my life? Vincent. 

Dear Vincent ,

Even after falling out of love, breaking up with someone is never easy. But breaking up with someone you live with is even harder and can get messy pretty quickly.

Financial arrangements as well as a variety of other logistics need to be considered. In your case, even if you say she has become rude and disrespectful, you two were in love at some point, the reason why you even moved in together.

That is why when telling her you do not want to continue with the relationship, you must do it kindly and with a lot of respect. Once you have made the decision to break up with someone you live with, it is important to create a plan of how you are going to tell the person. 

It is important to be certain a break up is necessary. If there is any part of you that wishes to resolve differences or work through challenges, do it before a break up. Unless you no longer love the person, or if you feel unsafe with them, trying to improve things could be a respectful decision for both of you.

While there is no way to deliver the news in an upbeat way, it is still a good idea to have the conversation in a loving way with the goal of trying to end on a positive, peaceful note. Be calm and give adequate time and tone to the conversation. Seeming rushed or annoyed will seem disrespectful or cold.

Taking the time to have a compassionate and kind conversation about why the relationship needs to end will help the receiving party with closure. Understanding why you are breaking up with her may cause her to find benefits of closure such as learning what she can change in future relationships.

Note that blaming her for the breakup will not solve anything. Even if it is her fault, since you say she has behaved in disrespectful or uncaring ways, blaming her will only lead her to being defensive.

Remember also that you have never talked to her about the different issues you say are intolerable so in essence, she might have no idea why you want her out of your life. Instead, focus on moving forward and not trying to convince her that ending of the relationship was her fault.

Also, before getting back with your ex-wife, reflect on why you broke up in the first place and understand the issues that contributed to that breaking point. Take some time to look at the whole picture and understand what your relationship was like before and how you both have changed to make sure you are heading in the right direction together.

Seek professional help to work through any unresolved resentment and create a new foundation of trust and safety.

Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation